Fuck you.

GOD DAMNIT, FUCK YOU.

This has been the most fucked up day. Why the fuck do you hate me, existence?!

Please for the love of the gods, PLEASE just leave me alone. Please go away.

First I am blocked on someone social media accounts and phone because WHY THE FUCK!? Am I truly that bad of a person? I fucking respected you and your decision. Fucking ugh! You know what, fine, I don’t care. I get why you did it. Either you had to let go 100% because you’re a fucking coward, or you wanted to hide the fact that you met someone else, still a cowardly move, or you’re literally someone that is a really really fucked up and vengeful person. Either way, it doesn’t change how I feel and I still love you. I respect that you blocked me out of your life, even though that shit hurt like a fucking knife in my fucking windpipe.

But WTF, then I have to deal with a suicidal brother and a fucking suicidal father on the same god damn night!? How the fuck am I suppose to talk two fucking depressed suicidal people off their bridges when I am dealing with my own heartache and abandonment? Abandonment is my biggest fear – my BIGGEST fear. And he fucking abandoned me. And now I’m being made aware that both my brother and my father are selfish enough to try and abandon me as well!? Can’t you fuckers keep your shit together for one fucking night so I can fucking grieve over one thing at a time!? And then R getting drunk, trying to drive, fighting with his parents, lashing out at everyone, showing up to work smelling like a drunk while there were still people there!? I am fucking dealing with one coward who abandons me, two suicidal people, two very angry and shaken Asian parents who barely speak English, and their drunk ass son trying to slash some random person’s tires with a fucking knife! I get it world, everyone is in fucking pain right now! Please please please stop taking people away from me. Please stop. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Why is everyone around me acting like completely different people!? Have you all lost your fucking balls!? Jeezus dad, I know you’re in pain but you led a shitty life being shitty to a lot of people. Your selfish decisions in life, your addiction to the next quick fix of adrenaline is why you’re goddamn broke, no savings, and nothing to show for your life. I’m sorry that a doctor fucked up on a surgery and now you have to spend the rest of your life in pain and unable to walk. I sympathize with your pain, I do. But take your goddamn karma like an adult. You were a horrible person your whole life and I’m truly sorry that this was the consequences of a lifetime of bad karma. And Jeezus, bro. You lost your dad to suicide and our mom. I know you’re in pain. WTF would you text me saying the shit you said? You base your entire existence around the one single time you were abused by K. ONE TIME WHEN YOU WERE 6 and you barely even remember it! YOU WERE LUCKY! Your dad came and got you and LEFT ME BEHIND!! He left me behind! I had to spend the next 10 FUCKING YEARS WITH THAT ABUSIVE PEDOPHILE!! It took me ten years to escape confinement! We have both lost a lot in our shitty lives but you have a choice to fight and believe that your life struggles mean something. And they do. Our existence affects others. You don’t think I don’t want to die?! I am so tired. I am so tired of taking care of you, and everyone else. I am fucking exhausted. And you’re suicidal because you can’t find a fucking girlfriend and you’re suicidal because you were witness to mom being beat one single time!? FUCK YOU, ok? If anyone has a reason to kill themselves, it’s me. You’re both selfish pricks who lament over your terrible decisions in life. I, on the other hand, chose to fight and not take the easy way out. I fight the memories, I fight the depression, I fight the physical pains left from years of abuse to my body. I have spent my life being nothing but kind to every single person I meet. Even when I am hurting, I will put my own pain aside to help and protect others and make sure they feel loved. I get the shit end of every god damn stick. All the people I love leave me, it’s hard to find anyone to reciprocate my love and actions. My entire life I’ve found only one. Do you see me killing myself? No! You fucking COWARDS!

And WTF is R doing….ugh I’m out of anger. I’m out. I’m dead inside. This has been the most cursed existence. What did I ever do to deserve this? Someone please tell me…