I have no one to talk about this with. I hate it, I do. I feel very alone. I am sitting in my car, in the dark, and my mind is in a very dark place. I am angry that Bi- took away my power and my voice. He took away every single avenue that I had to try and fix what has been broken. He has taken everything from me. The only thing he left me with is a hole where I can sit and drown in all of the mistakes that I can never repair. He left me with a death sentence.

I have been sitting here, listing out the people in my life, and how my disappearance may negatively affect them. I’m weighing out the probability of them getting through it and being ok with the passing of time. I know that probability is high. I think the only one who wouldn’t recover would be my dog, and it makes me resent his existence right now. I am only still here because of him.

This dark place that I have slipped into was the final push I needed from Billy, but the journey here was filled with a lot of regrets, abuse, loss, and grief. Is it cynical to feel a sort of vindication at the idea that it would be on Billy if I died? I feel like it’s the only way I can get back what he took away from me. It’s like, you tried to silence me, you took away the power for me to do the right thing. But there’s one thing that I can do to put things back into my control, to give me my power back. He is selfish and a coward.

I’ve been trying hard to look for things to live for, aside from my dog, but as I’ve said time and again, I can’t feel the warmth of the sun even though it’s sunny outside. I can’t feel anything inside. My closest friend feels like leftovers, thanks to me. And my ex of four years feels trapped with me always hanging about in his life. I am…just like that, after 19 years of fighting against it….numb. Completely numb. I don’t even feel scared, I feel tired. That’s really about it. The universe got her point across that she is unyielding and cruel to me. I’ve been stupid to fight against my Fate as long as I have. I had this childish notion that I could change my Fate, but I can’t. I can’t. I’m destined to be a tragedy. And that is what I want to be known for. Tragedy makes for the most beautiful art and music and tragedy is the most heart-felt form of self-expression.

I don’t really know what the next hour holds, or the next day. I can hope for the best, and that I survive this darkness, but if it’s my time, I will accept it with grace. I think my hands will know before my brain does.