Writing this will take great effort on my part – I am typing while laying down trying to hold up a surface pro; the joke is not lost on anyone who owns one (they’re not lap friendly). How many times has the screen closed on my fingers? Plenty…

Anyway,

I can’t sleep. At first, I could, but this annoying mosquito somehow found its way into my home and here we are, plagued with the worst things that devour humanity (your thoughts, not mosquitos). I am sad tonight, it’s one of those days. If you follow this blog, you can probably tell what I am talking about, right? Yeah, him. Again. I guess there are some people who come into your life that touch you in such a profound way that even the rejection they give doesn’t help you move on. When I closed my eyes over the last two years, he’s all I see. A country home with a wrap-around porch, some farm animals, plenty of stars and storms. Spending time painting and drawing with each other, traveling, cuddled up to watch cartoons or horror movies…just growing old with each other in a pretty simple life full of love for each other.

I don’t really know how to escape that vision, because it felt so right. And I have been still sending my emails and still updating on my life…for over two years now. Well, almost 2 years. It’s a one-sided hell…this is why I bought a couple of poetry books, thinking maybe it will help quell the loss. It didn’t really help after all. Clearly I just need more time. Maybe in five years, the memory of him will dull and I will be 40 and I will fall in love again somehow, or I will fall in love with myself again.

I say…and people say they are always trying to find themselves, but what does that mean exactly? How can you find something that never really existed – are we just doomed to be looking for a mysterious self that we will never find? Do we waste our lives seeking out shadows of what could have been if we had been provided with the best that life had to offer? When is content within ourselves enough for us to feel at peace? Are some of us just lost forever? I hope that isn’t the case or I will be an incredibly lonely person. Sigh. Well, I am feeling extra sad and extra lonely tonight. I wish that I could reach out to Bi- and say, “don’t waste your time looking for these shadows. Look at what is right in front of you”. Be present? Yes. Be present – to truly find yourself.