Hi, 7 months later. Can’t believe I haven’t wrote in so long. But I understand why. Depression, contentment, being busy…life gets in the way. Today is Bi- birthday again. Another year for him, another year for me…you guessed it. I am still stuck. Sometimes you just never really fall out of love. I spent so many days trying to convince myself that it just took time. The songs always say time heals. The advice? In time, you will heal. Nah, it doesn’t – not for this pain.

Oh well, that isn’t exactly why I am here to write.

I landed a wonderful job as a high school science teacher at an international private high school. I’m very much enjoying it. I always think about Bi- and his experience in school being bullied (so much so that it changed his entire life). I think about that often and try to incorporate classroom engagement that puts everyone on the same team so to speak. My students that are quiet and withdrawn have now become more open and I see them walking around with the more popular kids. Some of my popular students were discussing a girl (who was known to be a ‘loser’ that no one liked) whom they saw skateboarding by herself near the skatepark. They invited her into their group and to find out, she’s a good skater and they like her. I’m really trying to use the lessons that life has taught me to make a positive impact…as much as I can.

I will be graduating in May with my Master’s and I am quite happy. I am tired. Ready to stop. The Netherlands has a special immigration program for students who graduate from a top 10 university as a top tier student. These students get citizenship for one year. If they are able to find employment and become stable, they get to stay permanently. I am thinking about applying and leaving for the Netherlands, although I may teach for a while longer.

Anyway, that is about it on updates. You can stop reading now. The rest of this is going to pointed toward a specific person.

Ge-

People have an interesting relationship with the truth. They either want to hear it or they don’t want to acknowledge it all at the wrong times. I have been reflecting over the last couple of days and as I have always had this inkling, it never seems to be proven anything but true…even to this very point in time. That truth is that you and I…we can no longer be friends. I told you on many occasions that Ma- and I cannot exist in the same world together (your world). You are my best friend, and you say ‘I will figure this out with time’. The truth is that if you decide to work things out with Ma-, which seems to be your choice, then I need to leave your life. Her insecurities will always be apparent when I am around because she is not secure in your relationship. The truth is, she shouldn’t feel secure. And the truth is, you shouldn’t be with her or in a relationship at all. No amount of therapy and counseling between you two is going to fix that. You both are misaligned and for you, there will always be another girl that interests you because you have a sex addiction that you refuse to acknowledge. And Marsha will always have to understand that no, she REALLY isn’t ENOUGH for you. Because she isn’t enough…because she isn’t the right one and you are not the right one for her.

I hate that I have to often feel the consequences of other people’s decisions, but I guess that is just a fact of my life. You are my best friend. You were my best friend. The fact that I am not allowed to see you in person, celebrate your life milestones with you, even enter into your fucking house….that is a huge problem. The fact that Ma- forbids these things because she feels insecure (and the fact that you are going along with it) tells me all I need to know about how much you respect me. It hurts me, it makes me cry, it’s simply toxic and honestly, a really shitty thing for a “friend” to do. Ma- may constantly come back after you hurt her over and over because she has no self-respect and doesn’t love herself, but that isn’t the same with me. I am willing to walk away when I know I am not wanted, respected, or being hurt.

Does it suck? Yeah, it fucking sucks. You are the only person left in my life that knows me, that I let in. After Bi-, I will never let another person get close to me again. But I love myself enough to know my own worth, even though you don’t, and I care about myself enough to be friendless versus staying in a situation where I am being shit on. I wish you luck with your relationship counseling. I think that you and her will ultimately be happier and healthier without me around anymore.

Goodbye.