It’s 3:45am. What is today? Oh it’s a Tuesday.

I couldn’t sleep. I have had tidal waves of thoughts overflowing my mind and I sat here for hours trying to deter them, but I couldn’t. The first thing I turned to was the iPad to draw, because I didn’t really have words, but I couldn’t find my apple pen, so I gave up. Fuck it, I’ll write.

In a couple of weeks it will be a year since I saw or talked to Bi-. I am still struggling. I went to a forum online and read about other people who had been blocked out of someone’s life they cared about. The sentiment was really similar and I wanted to write down what someone wrote on the forum, because this is what it feels like to be blocked and shut out of someone you love’s life.

” You sway in and out of feeling sorry for yourself, understanding their decision, trying to have compassion for them anyway, being enraged that they would do something so cruel to you, trying to feel love for yourself again, coming to grips with their decision, analyzing the events that led up to it on an endless loop to understand better, realizing you will most likely never see it fully from their perspective, realizing there really isn’t a crystal clear side to any of it, that both party’s failed each other in powerful ways, that there is not one event to blame, but several, and that everyone is flawed in some irreparable way. It’s a burden that one carries forever”

On top of what is written above, you also develop PTSD. I had a cheery disposition on people before this. I always believed that you trust people until they give you a reason not to. Now, I don’t trust anyone. I don’t believe anything anyone tells me. I don’t want to get close to people anymore. I suffer anxiety attacks sometimes just trying to leave my car and walk into a store – I’m not kidding. I often have anxiety attacks in my own home. I feel like I am only getting through each day by someone pulling the only thread I have left. I just want him to know…like, how can you be Buddhist, or be such “a kind person” and literally…destroy someone’s mental health? There are just adult ways to conduct yourself. Disappearing out of nowhere and closing any connection to make amends is the cruelest thing a person can do. What do I even do now? I am just…stuck in a loop.

And then of course, I start thinking about Chr-, my oldest friend. His death, the story doesn’t add up. I reached out to his mom, dad, and sister. None of them have returned my messages or emails. I still have no confirmation that he is really dead. I looked up what I could online, he has no Aunt Sh-, there is no obituary, there are no reported bear attacks in Utah, no one in his family seems upset at all. Their social media is happy and normal. I had someone call his phone from a blocked number after the phone was suppose to be turned off. Someone answered. They never said hello, they just breathed into the phone until my friend hung up. Also, how did this Aunt Sh- even get into his phone without the password? Why is his entire online presence completely wiped? How did he even get to Utah? Nothing adds up. If he is dead, something is being covered up. If he isn’t dead, then he concocted the best step-by-step plan to pretend he was, and I just don’t think he is capable of that.

Should I continue? The loss of my friendship is still hitting me hard. I am so angry and so sad. If there was one place on the planet that felt like home to me, my best friend was it. I never worried over it. That is where my heart was safe and protected. But then he destroyed that reality, and I feel truly alone and truly lost without a home. And every time he talks about his girlfriend, I feel angry and resentful. Because she stands in the way, and I don’t think that he deserves her. She’s good, you know? Caring and kind and innocent. Meek and quiet. She is just…always his second choice. I would never settle for that – and I am angry at him because he is scared to be alone, so he won’t let her go to find someone who would always put her first. And ok, maybe he can change and can choose to put her first, but then what? Where does that leave me? Alone with no home. I just always lose. I always lose the people that I love. I guess the truth is that it’s just an immature place to be, and I shouldn’t make it someone else’s responsibility to be my safe place. It doesn’t change the fact that he was my safe space. And now I don’t have one. I wish that I could put into words how my empty space I feel in my chest. I am overwhelmed with pain.

Don’t get me started my my mom’s death, or the loss of my dad to Trump loving-anti-mask-microchips-in-your-nose facebook conspiracies. He’s also been in the hospital for over a week with holes in his stomach and intestines. I have told him a thousand times that he has Celiacs. 1000 times. He ignores me. Like I am stupid. He is willing to take 1000 medications, use essential oils, and all of these facebook remedies left and right, but he refuses to stop eating gluten. And he’s going to die.

I had to send one brother money for food, it took most of my savings. I have another brother who is in the military and went to war. He has severe PTSD from it and he hasn’t been well. I have to keep checking on him because I fear he is going to take his life soon. My relationship fell apart like two years ago now. The lease is up soon and it’s time for me to step out on my own. I have no idea how I am suppose to do it. And my dog? Ugh, forget it. This is the most depressing shit I’ve written.