Here’s the thing…

I want to be better. I want to feel happier. I want to be a more positive person. I want to leave my depression behind.

But when I start having those thoughts, I become overwhelmed with a sense of guilt, and I immediately blame myself for all of the wrongs in the world, all of the slights that have been done to others that I care about, all of the consequences I’ve ever had to experience because of mine or someone else’s actions. There’s a voice in my head that tells me that I do not deserve to feel pretty or be happy or forgive myself…because I am a horrible person. Everyone I have loved suffers because of me. I am a monster.

I begun to quiet that voice after years of therapy and self-work. I was finding my own voice and independence, but I was ill-fated to meet a person that gaslighted me. Lead me on. Hurt me and broke my trust. And all of that progress shattered. And here I am, feeling as though I am locked in a birdcage, face-to-face with my own demons. (I preach to everyone that they are the only ones that can allow how others affect them; that it’s a choice. And this is true – but why can’t I pick myself up and move on?)

I am embarrassed that I allowed someone to use my biggest fear against me. I am ashamed of my actions that night. I am angry that someone I loved and trusted had the capability of cruelty I didn’t know existed in any person. I am angry at myself that I allowed a traumatic experience overtake my life. And it sucks, because none of it has diminished my love or how much I care. But, that makes me more human than him.

I’m writing this as a last attempt at closure. I don’t want the rest of my life to be defined by the actions of someone who cares only about themselves and not the people they hurt. That is not part of my values – hurting people is not something I will ever condone, so I need to stop hurting myself. I still can’t find it in me to forgive myself because I feel like I ruined my own life by doing the right things.

I made a paper promise to someone who depended on me. I followed through with my part of that promise to protect them and help them gain stability. Breaking that promise would have had life-altering disastrous consequences for the person I made the promise to. I am a dependable person. I never back away from my word.

I believe in open communication. I communicate my thoughts, my actions, my decision making, good or bad. I’ve made people cry, I’ve made people angry, and I’ve made people laugh. But one thing I don’t do is lie. I am an honest person. I don’t lie to others because I expect the same in return.

I cook meals that feed more than a household. I send out invites for anyone who may be hungry. I found over 200 lonely people and brought them together to reinforce that they’re not alone. I reach out to others to check on them. I remember random mentions of doctors and dentists appointments and send out a reminder the day of to people. I carry a small book around with every single person I’ve met’s birthday so when the day comes, I can let them know at least one person is thinking of them. I spent my own birthday and Christmas money on buying winter clothes and new shoes for someone I had only recently met, but knew they needed it.

I screenshot messages when someone mentions one of their favorite things or something significant in their life, so I can surprise them with it at a later date. I actually listen to people when they vent. I’ve shaved a man’s back who embarrassingly asked me to because he was going on his first date in years. I spent time working in home hospice as a CNA, I send my siblings money from my meager savings anytime they ask, without question. Instead of selling my things, I give them away to anyone who needs it more.

I always look for the people who sit alone in a cafeteria and I ask to sit with them. I go to the nerd clubs and find the guys who no girl would ever want to dance with, and I ask them to dance. I go into the library and look for anyone who seems to be sitting alone and ask to sit with them. I have made so many good acquaintances this way. Why? Because every person matters to me.

I find out information about my friends parents and drive two hours to surprise them with foods and essentials. I feed my wild bird friends and nurture my plants. I help others with homework even when I am exhausted. My home is decorated to be warm and inviting to make others feel safe and comfortable. I am a home in my own right. I am a mom to those who lack it. I am a source of love for those who lack it. I…I am a home for many.

I have taken care of everyone but myself my entire life. My sick mother, my abused siblings, my drunk friends, my pets, my lonely friends, strangers, wounded animals, homeless people. Being selfless and taking care of others is the only thing I know how to do well. I am a selfless person. I put others before myself and believe that if they find happiness, I will feel it in my own heart.

I am writing this with a seed of fear, thinking of what my last words would be if these were it. I’ve been sick for days with many of the same symptoms of Covid. I worry a bit that I could go to bed and wake up having taken a turn for the worst. I just want the world to know that I am not the monster it makes me out to be. I am not the monster that Bi- makes me out to be. I am not the monster that others make me feel like I am. What I am though is tired. Tired of love, tired of trusting, tired of people, tired of myself, tired of sadness, tired of beating myself up for not being good enough for anyone. Tired of not being loved.

So many people have made me feel unlovable.

But there isn’t a single one of you that I don’t love with all of my heart. Not a single one of you that I am not thankful for knowing. Not a single one of you that I would hold a grudge against; I mean, I will always be there for your phone call or late night text. And I’m not one for highlighting less-than-dismal things, but I do want to say that I have only made it this far in life because of the few people (for better or worse) that helped me: Ro-, Geo-, Dn-, Ani-, Gra-, Nan-; thank you so much for being my support network.