I…am not feeling well. My throat is quite sore. My post-nasal area feels very clogged. I spent the last two days cleaning, unpacking, and organizing. When I keep myself busy, everything is mostly fine. When I stop, I just…relapse. Not health-wise (ok that too a bit) but you know, emotional-wise. I’m still struggling with the loss of Bi-…and now my ex-best friend, too. I don’t feel like I am getting ANYWHERE in moving on from Bi-. My heart still aches just the same. I still see him when I close my eyes. I see his face in strangers when I’m out. I see his car everywhere. I am…just so uncomfortable in my own existence right now. I’m still in love with him, a person who never existed. I don’t know how to get myself out and I’m angry about it. I truly am. I’m exhausted.

And I don’t even know where to begin with my lost friendship. I have made it a point to not reflect, because I know I’ll just get upset. I hate people who think that I am incapable of caring or loving them. That’s probably the only thing I actually can do very well. It’s my default, even towards strangers. I just have my own way of expressing it. I believe that love and caring comes in the form of a) justice (fairness), b) protection, and c) unambiguousness (matter-of-fact). I am an unemotional and straightforward person. That may seem cold, but I am dependable, honest, and loyal because these are the things that I value most in others. I’m there when I need to be. I’m protecting when I need to protect. I’m picking up the pieces when they fall apart. I’m slapping sense into them when they’re not thinking clearly. I give the easiest solutions to their problems, free of bias and emotions, but not sugar-coating the pros and cons. That’s who I am. I am incapable of being soft and meek. I am incapable of allowing others to fall off the wagon – I will simply grab them while they’re falling off, put the back in their seat, and then bitch at them for not wearing a wagon seat belt. You’re not going to fail because I won’t let you fail. I’m here. I’m strong enough to push you to the finish line. I am a fucking workhorse. Anyway, apparently these traits are not indicative of someone who is capable of caring or loving someone else. I also hate when people are not dependable. What do have but our word? Those words are yours, all yours. You actively make choices to say those words. And your actions better reflect those words. If you say you’re going to do something, you commit to it and you do it, irregardless. That is dependable character. There’s a saying, “You need not wonder whether you should have an unreliable person as a friend. An unreliable person is nobody’s friend”.

Even after I calmed down and thought things through, I felt confident in our bond and open a way for mending. It wasn’t reciprocated – what can I do? Nothing. Just like Bi-, there is no ball in my court. People have the power to leave your life without explanation if they want. It’s definitely the most awful thing you can do to another person. Oh well. So, in the time that I have typed this out, my throat has gotten even worse. Sigh. I wish I had something interesting to say or swimming through a sea of turmoil emotions that come out in beautiful words and poetry, but…I am just dead inside. The heart is aching but the mind is dead.