It is 2:16am. I cannot sleep. I have no reason as to why. I had a melancholy day, but my evening was more eventful. Monkey and I ventured into downtown SF to eat square pizza, retrieve a couple of cupcakes, and found ourselves at a theater watching The Invisible Man (which was excellent, btw). I was there but…I wasn’t “there”. I wasn’t anywhere. I felt a lot like a robot tonight with my friend. I had reflected that I had a meh day, thinking about…someone. I gushed about my teacher-ish crush on the DM, Ri-. Maybe outwardly I appeared completely normal. But I felt pretty empty inside.

Now I am just laying here, redditing. Doing nothing. Annoyed that no matter where I move my dog, his cold wet nose keeps finding its way to my skin. It’s too hot under the blankets. It’s too cold outside of the blanket. My head slightly has a headache. I feel lonely. My hair is getting very long. It is about 4-5 inches past my shoulders. I both love it and hate it. As before, it chokes me at night and somehow wraps itself in and around my armpit….ah! My dog’s NOSE is on me again. Ugh, what a feeling. HOW DOES HE KEEP INCHING HIS WAY OVER IN HIS SLEEP!? I KEEP SCOOTING OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND NOW I AM AT THE VERY EDGE OF THE BED, ABOUT TO FALL OFF.

Anyway, so yeah, I guess I am doing a good job at building up those walls. I feel pretty numb and I don’t trust anyone. At first, as you may know, I was devastated that I have been forced to live my life like this. This isn’t the person that I wanted to be. But now, it’s not so bad. I shut everyone out and people left and people came, and I am not the one getting hurt. Can’t be hurt if you don’t feel anything. I am…..I am ok with not being vulnerable with anyone anymore. I am no longer angry, so that’s a good thing.

I realized the other day, in a dark episode after being turned away from a job, that content-me is my own best friend. I realized that content-me placed “circuit breakers” in my life to prevent me from killing myself. Isn’t that weird? There is this medication called Trintellix, I mean it’s LITERALLY saved my life. Content-me takes it everyday, on time, exactly as prescribed. When I am spiraling down into depression, down, down down….a circuit breaker trips before I can hit the point of self-destruction. My brain shuts down and I just sit there in nowhere until I get up and do something. Anything. No matter how angry I get at content-me, I mentally cannot reach that dark place where I shatter and hurt myself. It’s like it’s gated off, just out of my reach. I know it’s the medication. When sad-me is active, and I stop taking my meds, it doesn’t matter. By the time the med is out of my system, I am already mostly out of my depression and in a state where content-me takes back over and gets back on the medication. And content me doesn’t have guns in the house. Sad-me maybe has a lot to owe to content-me for BPD-proofing my life. But I am also a bit angry at that side of me too. I am in A LOT of pain and truly…I just want it to stop.

I don’t ask for much, I never have. And I give, and give, and give. But for all of my selflessness, I am selfish with love. I need to be loved and wanted. I need to love and want others. I need to trust that I won’t be abandoned. My entire life revolves around these three things. It’s easy for me to love and want others – even strangers. Even broken people. But it doesn’t seem easy for others to do that for me. What is it about me that makes me so hard to love?