Some afterthoughts to your really shitty email.

Ever since you started therapy and got on medications, you’ve somehow become more unstable. Whatever you are feeding your therapist, it’s twisted. He/she then comes back with forms of validation for your journey and that validation is based on a perceptional view that is flawed. This is NOT how therapy is suppose to work – your therapist should be skilled enough to see through the facade. But simply isn’t. All I see is more harm being done than good. You were a good person and good friend for the entire time I knew you. Made the same mistakes that any normal person who have made. You always strived to bring others up with you and that is a trait that anyone could admire. You were a type of person who could succeed in it, which made it all the more special.

You feel like I am the one that is manipulative and controlling? How can that be when you are the one with all of the power? I wasn’t even going to try for a Masters until you pushed me to do it, because why? Because you promised to help me and be a pillar of financial, emotional, and tutorial support if I just tried to apply to places. So, I did. I got into a prestigious private college and you were completely ecstatic. I wanted to make you proud, so I have been working hard to keep my grades at A’s, I have been networking, and taking every opportunity I can to make sure your faith and value in me is rewarded to the best of my ability. This decision was made on the agreement of your role as the pillar. It isn’t possible without you as the pillar. How again am I the one financially guilting you? This was your idea, your agreement, your hard work. Now I am in and you pull out of your commitment in being the pillar. Who is left with the fallout? Who is left with the consequences? I am. Not you.

With Gra-‘s bachelorette party and wedding. I asked you multiple times if it was ok for me to stay with you. The plan was for me to fly up and spend extra time there, so I could be there for you and attentive to your needs. Just as you have done for me so many times in the past. After numerous confirmations from you – I go ahead and make the necessary plans with Gra-‘s Bridal Party. None of it would have been possible had you not ok’ed me to stay with you. After Gra- put down payments on all of the tickets and housing, you decide to back out, and in your email, stating that you a right to do so. Let me give you this scenario: When I was living in Oregon and you bought a non-refundable plane ticket to come see me. How would you have felt if I texted you a month or two later and said “sorry, I know we agreed on these plans and you bought the plane ticket, but you can’t stay with me anymore. I don’t know where you’ll stay if you come, but it’s not with me”. As a best friend – no one does that. Only people who are flaky and aren’t really your friends do that. It’s an absolute shit thing to do. In your email, you made it about me money shaming you. No. I am shaming you for being a shitty best friend and leaving me high and dry. You were voluntarily my pillar, but once again you decided you didn’t want to stay in the commitment, and you backed out of being the pillar. Once again, who is left with the fallout? Who is left with the consequences? Not you. Me.

You have a growing pattern of jumping to the front of the line to be the pillar that everything hinges on. Then when you randomly decide that you don’t want the commitment anymore, you bail. When everything comes crumbling down, it smashes ME and NOT YOU. What do you not understand about being a pillar? You CAN’T walk away, it’s a commitment you must see all the way through or else you destroy all those people under the roof you are holding up.

You know that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I know that you have your own mental issues. I committed to being a pillar for you. You committed to being a pillar for me. But you bailed, again! In your head, I am not capable of caring about you, or loving you, or worry over you. But how can you even trust what is in your head? Because those things are wrong. All I do is care, and love, and worry. That is what friends do. But if you don’t see it, I can’t make you see it. No one can. I seriously hate that you think I have been a boon on your life for so many years. I am allowed to have feelings and love who I want and be hurt by others and take my own time in working through those ups and down, without judgement from you. I can’t because you are the one who is manipulative and controlling. You are the one who gets angry when I am hurting. You are the one who wants me to look and do and feel the ways you want me to feel. You are the one who controls in my life if I succeed or fail.

And yet your email was all about how YOU are the victim!? You are a victim only in your fucking head. I have given you everything of me. My heart, my trust, my loyalty, my protection, my care, and my kindness. I didn’t hide things from you, I didn’t lie to you. I was always up front and as honest and raw as I could be. In your email, you state that you never felt comfortable enough with me to do the same, and then blame me for not knowing you. How could I ever know you if all you did was lie and hide things from me? I didn’t know you were doing that. I thought we were equal. Clearly, I was wrong. So very wrong. I was giving 100% effort and 100% transparency, when you only ever gave 50% of anything in return.

I wanted a best friend who was there, like you always said you were and would be. I wanted to be a best friend just like that to someone in return. But in your skiddish moments, you faltered as a pillar in roles you took on voluntarily. And no one was left with the fallout and the loss and the pain except me. I am left picking up the pieces of a Master’s dream I could have never afforded without you and would have never even attempted without my “belief and trust” in your word. I am left emptying what money I was saving in order to pay my share for wedding events that I won’t even be attending. This isn’t a fucking money guilt trip; “what kind of Trump thinking BS is that”? It isnt about the money. It’s about the fact that you were a pillar…and you crumbled over and over again and left me with the fucking ruins. I depended on you, and you abandoned me.

My emails weren’t asking to do things for me. I didn’t need to you look over the stupid project proposal, I knew it was good and I have professors here that can look that shit over. It was me trying to signal that I was ready to talk and fix this. We have never went so long without talking, I didn’t know what to say. I just know that I wanted to fix this because I love you and you matter to me. I thought you knew me well enough to see through the writing on the wall. I sent you a brief two sentence email about a couple things in my life. It would have been great if you sent one back with a couple of lines about your life. Then I could have made a joke or gave advice. Then you could have laughed at my joke. Then I could have said I was sorry and we should talk and fix this. And you would have said Im sorry too and I think we can fix this.

But that never happened.

Then you sent your shitty email. And I don’t know what the fuck you were thinking or saying. But it was clear that you hate me. It was clear that you will never see your own issues. It’s clear that you are ok with blaming anyone but yourself. I can’t win against being compared to Mar-, because we are nothing alike. We love in different ways. I can’t win against the lies you’ve told yourself. I can’t win against anything with you. I had a friend who was just like this in this past, a schizophrenic friend. Who did the exact same thing, said the same exact things. I realized that I couldn’t do anything with that. It took over 10 years but he reached out and apologized and said that he gets it now and he realized what a shitty friend he had become because he was stuck in own head, surrounded by his own paranoia.

I have nothing else to say. I didn’t ruin this friendship. You did. You are a shitty pillar, so maybe stop voluntarily trying to be one in people’s lives.

Maybe when you figure your shit out, can be a dependable person, and stick to your word, you’ll be worthy of my friendship.

I held up my end of the best friend agreements – did you?