Sep. 17, 2019

Bi-,

I know that you asked for time and space. I know that I am suppose to wait until you message me. I’m sorry, I just miss you. I’m afraid that you are taking this time to push me out of your life and if that is the case, I can’t stop you. Today, I made up my mind to move to Atlanta if what you are wanting is someone who lives close. I talked to Ro- and told him again how I felt about you and how I’m scared to lose you because the situation he and I are in with immigration*, the space between us, etc. provided that I haven’t lost you already. He told me that I should tell you that I miss you and that I am willing to do what I can to make this work between us, but otherwise, I say my piece and then leave you alone to do what you must for your own mental well-being. So, this was my only way to contact you to give you the option of whether you wanted to hear from me or not.

I love you. I just wanted to fix the situation I was in first and I’m sorry that there was a lot of miscommunication between us while I tried to figure it all out.

Nessa

Oct 29, 2019

Bi-,

I know you won’t receive this message, but I miss you. I’m sorry that you felt like you had to block me out of your life. I just needed to write this to get it off my chest, even if it’s into the internet void where all blocked things go. I wish you could understand that all I wanted was to work on being in a position in my life where I could spend the rest of my time here with you. I feel half empty without you and nothing in the world could have prepared me for Dragoncon. I was devastated that someone I loved more than anything on this planet couldn’t look at me. I didn’t handle it well at all. I don’t know how my decisions grew your distance and your distrust, but it wasn’t my intention. There’s no one else I see spending my life with, except you. I hope that you find yourself fulfilled and you find happiness. You’re talented and I know someone will come along one day who recognizes your worth and will be in the right position in their life to give you the love and comfort that I never had a chance to give you. I’ll spend the rest of my life loving you. Youre with me in every decision that I make to better myself and since you won’t read this anyway, and so I can’t come off as sounding crazy, I’ll be here waiting and hoping that you one day think about me and reach out so we reconnect and just start over. I am moving to DC by summer semester. I’ve been putting in applications and searching for a roommate. Pow’s lungs are filled with fluid and he’s having issues breathing. It sucks. I’m trying to stay positive for the future, even though without you in it, just seems…agonizing. This is to hoping you find your path. Ily.

Ness

Nov. 8, 2019

Bi-,

You’re really on my mind today. That isn’t abnormal, you’re on my mind everyday. But, I guess, I hope you’re doing ok and I miss you. This sort of feels like I’m talking to you even though I’m not. I wish I could wrap my arms around you in a big hug and bury my face into your chest. I’ll just go back to burying my face in my pillow, Ugh. I don’t know how I’m gonna get through the rest of my life just talking to a ghost of you. Guess I don’t have to figure it out now anyway…

Nes

Nov. 11, 2019

Bi-,

I had reoccurring nightmares about you last night. It was awful. I woke up just missing the sound of your voice. I’m so sad. I’ve never felt this sad. I think there’s this huge part of me that wants to scream out at you, “Why couldn’t you believe me, why couldn’t you trust me, none of this would’ve happened!” I feel like trying to get through to you was absolutely impossible and I still can’t figure out why that is. I was honest with you, open with you, and seriously…everything I was doing was literally…ugh. It was literally so I could be with you. You’re my world and have been for a very long time. I just needed some time to be able to get out on my own so I could support myself. Fuck, this is so frustrating for me!! I don’t want to move on, I don’t want to lose you! I feel like I’m incomplete and the hole you left behind eats at me and I ugly cry so much. I’m laying in bed under the covers crying right now!! I never knew that I could both love someone so much and hate them so much at the same time! I don’t hate you…I just hate what you have done. This is scarring me for the rest of my life, and I am so very sad. I’m sorry that I hurt you in any way. I’m sorry that you felt insecure and I’m sorry my words weren’t also what needed to be said. I’m sorry if you felt that I didn’t listen to you – I tried. But the things you say and your actions send so many mixed signals. You’re fucking terrible at communication! And you’re so fucking stubborn. Ugh. Sigh. What am I going to do. I just hate everything today. I don’t know how to move on without my soulmate.

Ness

Dec. 17, 2019

Bi-,

This email is being written and sent from Flagstaff, Arizona. I’m making my way cross-country to stay with my dad and all the dogs in a cabin in Branson for the winter holiday. It’s currently 10 degrees outside. It took me 13 hours to drive here. I thought about you a lot on the way, had one good cry, and felt general grief that I am starting to forget what your voice sounded like. And since I put away all of my pictures of you, I am starting to forget certain things about your face. It makes me incredibly sad. As always, my ghost, I am wishing you well every single day, and I’ll be content hoping (and assuming you’ve succeeded) at finding a path for your life that makes you feel more complete. I love you.

Ness

Dec. 25, 2019

Bi-,

Merry Xmas. Hope you’re in good spirits. I am about to leave my grandmas and head back on the road.

Ness

Jan. 1, 2020

Bi-,

Happy New Year.

Ness

Jan. 9, 2020

Bi-,

I am missing you tonight. Today was an eventful day. I found an apartment, put in job applications, and yeah, all of that was exhaustive. But then Powalei fell over. When he walks, he falls. I took him to the vet and after extensive x rays and testing, shoulders were shrugged, and I was referred to a specialist. It’s disheartening to see my little boy in such a state. I am starting to pack tomorrow, and really, I just need a hug. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I don’t cry anymore, except maybe sometimes when I’ve had an exhaustive day, like today. Then my heart just feels…extra empty. What I wouldn’t give to see you again. My world is still quite grey since you left. Not much left for color or joy. My love for you still has not waivered and I’m working hard to gain my independence (even though you’re no longer around). I guess I feel somewhere in myself that I need to still prove to you all that I said was true. And it was. You’re the only one for me. And that makes me…very sad now. I have an entire lifetime of being quite lonely ahead of me. But I guess these are the consequences for our actions and I accept that. Anyway, I love you. I hope you’re well and achieving all that you have wanted.

Ness

Jan. 26, 2020

Bi-

It’s been six months since I last talked to you/ saw you.  I’ve been getting straight As in class, etc etc…I don’t know what to write. I met someone the other day who could be your twin, just taller. You both drive the same color car, both have a Tardis tag on front, both wear the same hairstyle, both have the same unique facial expressions and hand gestures, both stand the same way, and even have the same things on your bookcases. It’s really weird. He doesn’t draw though. I find it extremely difficult to hang out around him because all he does is remind me of you and it makes my stomach sick. Like, really sick. Sigh. C’est la vie. I really miss you, but as always, I hope you’re well. I’m hoping for myself that my love for you fades and I can forget you. But I am still in the same heart I was in August, and all the year before. 

Ness

Jan. 31, 2020

Bi-

I love you. I hope you’re doing well. I can’t sleep – I’ve been laying here with Steam Bun just thinking about you. I hope that you’re ok.

Ness

Feb. 22, 2020

Bi-

Another 3am wake up from nightmares. I was hoping that I could be strong enough to hold off until your birthday to do this again, to pretend to talk to you. But yeah…I fail. One of these days, but today isn’t one of those days. Yesterday wasn’t one of those days either. I still feel your wall with the impact of all my worst moments combined. And yet, shamefully, I still feel you. I wish I could hold you. This is another early morning of losing myself in Antony and the Johnsons, Fistful of Love. Also, I removed George from my life a week ago. At least there’s a single piece of my that feels at peace, I only realized how toxic and controlling he was…years too late. I try to hard to see the best in people and ignore all the red flags. Oh well. Lesson learned. Hope you’re sleeping well.

Ness

March 4, 2020

Bi-

Live a good life.

Goodbye.

May 6, 2020

Bi-

I knew I said I wouldn’t, but I am. It’s been about 8 months since we last talked. I haven’t really progressed much except maybe I am two semesters closer to my Masters degree. Otherwise, things are still the same with me. I still think about you everyday, smile at the doodles I have of yours on my wall by my desk, and every song I listen to makes me think of you. Falling in love was the easy part, falling out of love…that’s the hard part. I’m glad you were able to; it sucks when you can’t. I always feel like there’s a part of me missing. Let’s talk COVID, OMG what even. California has very strict mandates and sometimes it feels odd going out. The once bustling town is dead, you can’t see anyone’s faces, and well, there’s lots of other things as well. Powalei is doing well, he recently had a stroke, but he fully recovered. I’m in between semesters right now and have been literally drowning myself in Animal Crossing. My ballet studio has been closed down so no ballet, but I picked up yoga again.

I lost a best friend, but I gained one too. He’s keen on always knowing the right way to respond to things. I have been quite shut down and bitter towards anyone, but he kind of just…sits in silence until I wear myself out either crying, expressing my frustrations, or venting about stupid things. His advice is typically dead on, which helps me. He’s the only person where his actions match his words and that is a huge deal to me. I don’t think our friendship will be fleeting but our proximity will be. He recently came from New York to try out a new place. He’s going through a time where he’s completely lost, career wise and personal wise. He’s been making plans to quit his job and travel for two years. I give high fives and say, “that’s great”! but deep down, I am envious. What I wouldn’t give to take off of my life for two years and travel the world.

Did I tell you that my youngest sister reached out when she turned 18? She was the one that was kidnapped. Well, for her high school graduation, I asked her if she’d like to fly over and see me. She was excited and nervous but wanted to. I saved up enough money to pay for her and her best friend to fly in. We plan to go through our mom’s things and I feel…I don’t know. Weird. I don’t have many things of my moms. She didn’t have a lot of possessions. I’m scared of what Savannah might ask for. She never knew mom, she was kidnapped as an infant. But she’s on this quest to figure out who she is (I’ve been there), and the only way to understand who mom was….well, I’m the closest thing. She will be here the 21-24th. My heart is fluttering around just thinking about it.

I guess that’s enough about me. I am well aware that you don’t get these and I’m well aware I’ll never receive a response, but I’d like to think your working at a new place that makes you happy and you’ve got your own house now. I bet your art is hanging up all over and you still take cold showers and cross your arms when you brush your teeth. Speaking of teeth, I got braces. Yeah. Anyway.

I love you. I really really do, and as always, I hope you live your life as your most amazing self and you’re smiling…and you’re happy.

July 5, 2020

Bi-

You’ve been on my mind a lot lately with all of the terrible things happening in the world. I hope you’re doing ok through it all. I’m not so great. My oldest and closest friend was killed by a bear while camping in Utah. We all found out a few days ago after a park ranger found what was left of his body. Then the next day, my dad called to tell me my Uncle Billy was in the ICU with Covid and has a poor prognosis. Yesterday, Gracie (one of my best friends) let Ania and I know that her little brother Ian, who is 11, was hit and ran over by a car that sped through a red light. He is in a children’s hospital ICU with internal bleeding and bleeding on the brain. He can’t recognize anyone, has complete memory loss, and stays in and out of consciousness.

Getting all of this to deal with at one time stuck me in a weird place mentally. Does life have a purpose? Is anything we do meaningful or is it all just pointless? What are we suppose to be looking for and doing in life?

I missed all the major milestones at the appropriate time, and even if I hadn’t missed them, would that be fulfilling? Nothing ever really makes me feel fulfilled, well, besides taking care of others and letting others know they have someone who cares about them. That gives me great fulfillment. But overarching here, it’s empty fulfillment, because I don’t have anyone who gives me that back. I’m surrounded by people who are…normal, I guess. They lives their lives and care about their day to day squabbles and chores and jobs and they’re fulfilled by those things (I think). I often feel cursed and rejected by the world, even though I have some excellent friends.

They’re always…busy. I’m rambling now, what I’m thinking isn’t coming out in the right words. I regret that you blocked me out of your life everyday. I still love you so very much. It hurts still, but I’ve been trying to associate loving you with letting you make your own decisions and respecting them for they are yours to make. I dream about you often, your always the written thoughts in my blog. I may never know your struggles in life now and I may never know if you ever pass away (hopefully when you’re old and grey and fulfilled), but I know that still…I loved you, I love you, and I always will care about you.

Losing my friend is hard. It’s like misplacing your phone or wallet.  I haven’t come to terms that it’s even true and I’m waiting for his phone call. I uh…I don’t really know how to process it. I just sit in silence and sometimes I cry and sometimes I don’t and mostly I just shut down and can’t think or feel anything except numbness.

What was he even doing in Utah, how did he get there…I have so many questions. So many. He sent me a text a few days before his official death date that said he was in the woods dying with a disease and that it hurt for him to move. He said his phone was almost dead and he told me bye. I asked him to explain what the hell he was talking about and to go to his mothers immediately. He said he couldn’t and everything was gone. But he had posted a picture of him at the beach in Florida. Ugh, so many discrepancies, so many weird things happened in between our convo and his death. I was the last one to talk to him while he was still alive. I searched for bear attacks in Utah and none exist. Someone has been texting me from his phone, she said she was his Aunt Shelly, who lives in TN. How did she get his phone? He doesn’t even have an Aunt Shelly… Ok, rambling again.

I’m just going to go take a very long shower and reflect on how fragile life is and how I’m going to make sense of what the fuck has happened this last week. I miss you and…as always in these, I hope you’re doing well.

August 27, 2020

Bi-

It’s almost been a year, just a few more days. I can’t sleep tonight, there’s no real reason but I don’t know…as usual you crept back into mind. My little sister is coming to live with me, so I’ve been preparing for that and classes start back up on the 31st. My hair is halfway down my back now and I still have braces. I am finally able to go weeks at a time between writing in my online journal about you (or to you).

Pretending to talk to you is cathartic for me – it kind of feels like an itch that’s being scratched. I miss hearing your voice and your cute head butts but I’m starting to feel more happiness than sadness at the thought of someone else enjoying them as much as I. I hope a year later you have been able to gain self-confidence and understand your own self-worth. I hope you’ve gained progress on your drawing goals too.

Speaking of, I am finally letting go of Fox&Goat. I figured that after a year of being blocked, you’d really have wanted to forget me forever. And only now am I feeling ok with letting all the dreams we talked about together go. Maybe not all at once, but a little at a time. Fox&Goat is the first, then Steam Bun, then maybe all of our pictures together, then finally your doodles that hang up beside my computer monitor. Those will definitely be last…but maybe I will be writing you in two years time with the good news that I was finally able to throw them away. But, not now. They’re the most important thing I own. I study every line often and think about good times and appreciate you as a person and the lessons you’ve taught me about trusting people and putting all of my heart into someone else. Never again. Never again.

Sept 28, 2020

Bi-

I’m having another bad night and no one to talk to about it…not that I would want to anyway, I guess. I never thought I would regret serving others, doing what’s best for others, being selfless for others, but I am resenting it greatly right now. I’ve spent my life taking care of other people, helping others attain their dreams. And in return, I sacrificed my own dreams and goals. I feel like such a fool and I feel that I have wasted so much of my life. My happiness dream is the same as It’s always been, I want some land, a cozy home, rescue animals, my art, and you. I still don’t have any of those things, and I don’t know if I ever will. I’ve been single for almost two years now, one year with you, and I still feel lonely as ever. I’ve been trying to work on myself and find acceptance in all of things in my life that I have lost – but it’s hard. You only get one life and I wasted it on people who came….and went. And I was just left behind, always. Now what am I? I’m nothing to no one. That makes me very sad.

October 15, 2020

Bi-

I’m not having the greatest day due to terrible nightmares about my mom. I woke up feeling a lot of anger and sadness over her death. Then I started thinking about you and wish I could tell you how much I miss you and love you. I get that you don’t feel the same for me, and that’s completely ok. But I don’t think my feelings for you will ever change. Sometimes I feel like I am in my own hell.

October 27, 2020

Bi-

My closest friend from my D&D group was found dead today. I am hurting so much. He didn’t show up for D&D, or dinner night, and none of my calls or texts were answered. He didn’t answer when I went to his house. I went to his work and he missed work for two days. I called the police. Three days later (today) they finally broke down the door to the apartment and he was dead. Coroner said he may have had diabetic seizure and no one was there to call 911. That is the second friend I have lost and I am in so much grief. So much grief. He was so kind. He was a school teacher, a jolly round older Filipino man who loved anime and Star Wars and food. He always called me little sister. Ugh my heart. My heart.

November 23, 2020

Bi-

Who’s keeping count anymore on what number email this is – I lost count long ago. I can’t sleep tonight, something just doesn’t feel right you know? As always, my thoughts bring me right back to you. I miss you. One of my exes from….a loooong time ago reached out to me after many years of silence. He’s got a toddler now and a new career and doing good for himself, which is great. Sadly he is a single parent and struggling so there are parts of me that feel pity. It took him years but he finally left that ridiculously abusive girl. We chat weekly to catch up, I can tell he’s feeling alone and overwhelmed and friendless, so why not give him a friend? It took me a while to realize that I think he is angling for a reconnection. Not my cup of tea really. I had to explain to him about you and how you left and how I haven’t moved on. But I think it’s his daughter, Lily, that is bringing up these sleepless nights. I told my friend MK that I had never thought about having a kid until I had met you. Lily brings up a lot of bad and good memories that we shared. I guess I am still grieving over the loss of the life that could have been between us.
After the year mark of not hearing from you, I was convinced by friends and family that the best thing I can do is learn from mistakes, grow as a person, and love myself. Even though I have some sleepless and sad nights, I have both grown and not grown in how I treat others (I feel a lot of bitterness and untrusting feelings towards everyone but I have learned to calm myself and listen when people are talking – really listen). My main focus these days is my independence. My degree, my career, my own place (I have THREE roommates right now). I…..I just want my freedom. One of the scariest things for me is trusting myself. Trying to vocalize my thoughts is difficult…I’m scared to fail, I’m scared to make the wrong decisions. I’m scared to be on my own. What if I can’t make it? What if I am making a mistake by walking away from my current life? I’m often torn between feeling like a burden to others and also feeling like the glue that holds everyone together – but I am not happy. Wherever and whoever I am supposed to be…this isn’t it. I feel very lost and I am filled with longing. And maybe again, this idea of you is just a representation of what I have lost over all of my many years – friends, family members, opportunities, memories, money, right decisions that would’ve led me down a better path. 
I am….I don’t know. Just writing. I have no one to talk to about so many conflicting thoughts and ideas in my head. You’re gone, but pretending to talk to you is soothing. My birthday is in a few days. Last year and this year, I will wish the same thing when I blow out my candles – that you will have a happy and purpose-filled life. All of my wishes are for that because I love you so very much. I’m always sorry for the way things ended between us. It’s the biggest regret of my life. 

December 25, 2020

Bi-

Xmas wishes to you. I am thinking about you.

January 1, 2021

Bi-

Oh look! Another year. Did you get to kiss anyone today? Well, I hope so. I think that is a really stupid tradition anyway. I didn’t do much. Watched some international horror films, played some Zelda.

March 12, 2021

I’m really stressed. Things with my little sister have just gone…crazy. She is 18! I just found out that she is dating a man from her work who is almost 50 years old…I am going to die for a moment. She moved out and moved in with him! And her best friend came to stay with her…the best friend just called me and said that my little sister has been doing cocaine and they are broke and need rent money what WHAT can you see that I am upset?! I just needed someone to vent to – your spam box is always the safest place because it’s a place no one can read. I am devastated….why Savannah? Why? You have a full ride scholarship to college, I bought you a car with my entire savings account. I got you a phone and hooked you up with a job and your own apartment. I went above and beyond…..for this. Why does this keep happening to me?

March 30, 2021

Happy birthday Billy. I love you. What is this…uh, 32 now? Yeah, I think so. I am thinking about your fishes today, all the Eds. ❤

May 14, 2021

Bi-,

I am writing this email from Mammoth Lakes, Cali. Me, MK, Ron, and Mika took off to a cabin in the mountains for a quick getaway. It’s so lovely and I’m wishing you were here. Everyone crashed to sleep and I stayed up to look at the stars – there are SO MANY. I have never seen so many in my life. I can see the entire milky way. Speaking of, I saw a shooting star and I made a wish (always, every wish I make is for you to find yourself and to find happiness). I also saw a wolf, what else….rabbits, a coyote, and a couple of chipmunks. As I contemplate life (do I do this often? I don’t know) I am thinking about how to initiate the next step in my life. The promises I made to Ron to help him get his citizenship have been fulfilled. We are all rooming together because in the Bay, it’s just….so so expensive that you don’t have another choice. I have a good income ($70,000 a year) and I can save up to buy my own place I think, somewhere FAR away from the Bay – I hate the Bay area so much.

The honest truth is that I am ‘stuck’ right now. Everything had a purpose when you were beside me but now, I don’t have to think about that. Instead, I am thinking about best case scenarios. Having to live without my soulmate wasn’t….I don’t know, it wasn’t in my plans. MK and Ron want to look into buying a house or two all-together with me in on it. These would be used as a source of passive income and they asked me if I would manage the properties. Real estate is indeed a good source of passive income and MK and Ron are both excellent businessmen with ample money supply. I sort of feel trapped at the same time and here is why (I can’t even believe I am writing this ‘out loud’…). Even though Ron and I haven’t been in a relationship for years now, he has come to me about discussions regarding business ventures and face-value propositions. His parents want us back together, want us to have kids, etc. Neither of us want that. We are best friends and it doesn’t seem neither of us are interested in trying again, in fact, Ron has been dating here without much luck. I’m rambling – I just feel like agreeing to buy a house with them is yet another connection to Ron that sends the wrong message. He sees himself as defective as a bf, a spouse, a dad, a career man. It’s true – the guy couldn’t survive without me here helping book his appts, cleaning the house, cooking the food, etc etc. I don’t know how to back away without leaving a massive depressive hole in his life. It really sucks. And then there is MK. The roommate.

MK has the room across from my room at the house. Ron’s room and office is the entire upstairs, so actually I see and hang out with MK a whole lot more than Ron. Mk’s office is connected to the living room. It seems that we are always in each other’s space. I didn’t think it was an issue, and indeed it never has been an issue but I found something the other day that has bothered me. A poem he wrote…to me. Yeah, you guessed it. Confessing his adoration and love for me…even though HE KNOWS more than anyone that I have NOT moved on from losing you and that I honestly don’t have a timeline on when or if I ever will. My gut is telling me two things: a) buying a house with them is a good thing. It’s safe. It’s guaranteed money. It’s a guarantee to help me with retirement (I don’t have any retirement benefits yet or savings). But b) Both of these guys rely on me for different things and NO I don’t mean sexually or anything gross like that…you’re still my last. I never want that to change. I mean like day-to-day things. I don’t know what I mean. Ugh. Did I ever write about being glue for people? Because it’s like that…I’m still glue. And I am also scared to walk away from their support – what if it’s a mistake and what if I become homeless and poor again? What if I grow old and I have no retirement? Stress. Stress. Stress.

I lost myself in so many what-ifs, I’m sorry. This is why I needed this getaway to the mountains. I brought my little stuffed goat with me so I could have you close to me. Wish I could send you pictures. You would love it here, I know you would.

May 26, 2021

Bi-

Hello void of foreverness, my old friend. Spam box that holds my treasures, you’re like my Room of Requirement. Billy, I wish that I could tell you that I am graduating from university today. A Master of Science, top of my class, Magnum cum Laude. Johns Hopkins is one of the top 10 schools in the US, so it should be a big deal. But unfortunately, the special day was overshadowed by me losing my job as a teacher. On merit alone, I should be signing a contract to teach next year. But another teacher wanted my classes so she could extend her work visa. Because of the Teacher’s Union giving preference to seniority instead of merit, she took my job away from me.

I can’t remember if I told you in my last email to what I am now calling the Room of Requirement (I mean, c’mon, there’s now 2 years worth of emails in your spam; ok technically I think anything older than 30 days get automatically deleted – whatever, off topic), don’t remember if I told you that I got a job as a college-level (but teaching high school student) science teacher. Yeah, it’s a weird system to navigate at first. My kids are REALLY smart, and they pay over $80,000 in tuition to go to this fancy international school where they can take college classes in high school. Well, I missed that goodbye today while weeping tears into my graduation cap in the 2 seconds it took for JHU to announce my name.

I’m still reeling from the death of my friends. I told you about their deaths when they happened. It’s been a hard pill to swallow. Especially because one of them was a teacher, one that mentored me, and when I need him most, he’s just not there. I do a similar thing to him as I do to my mom and you. When I need you, I write to voids. His account is still on my Discord channel, so I often write him there. I still text my mom (thankfully the new person who has her number said it was ok). I find so much value in the connections with the people I love that I haven’t ever worked out how to sever my ties. This is officially my new coping mechanism.

I struggled pretty hard to get through last week. I don’t know what it was, something triggered a memory of you and that was it for me. My roommate MK pulled a lot of weight to keep me from just crawling into my bed cave forever. I definitely got a sweet cake and Indian food out of it, so that was nice. …I gotta tell you, the thing I miss most about the south? I miss the thunderstorms at night. Like, really bad. When I get stressed from things in my life, I close my eyes and I remember the smell of rain. I remember this one special memory when an ex-bf from high school and I were out riding four wheelers after the sun set. We got caught in a torrential downpour in a huge field in a valley between mountains.  I laid back on my four wheeler with the light off and just let the rain hit me in the dark. I hear the thunder and see the flashes of light. I feel the rain hitting my skin, slightly stinging. I remember my long hair getting trapped in the crevice of the seat and the plastic and us spending 15 mins trying to remove it, while we were both half covered in mud from earlier in the day.

Man, that was great. When I started making my own money, I began being able to think about my autonomy, finally. It’s been the main goal of my life. Autonomy. And I touched it, I had it in my hands, you know? I’ve been saving my paychecks. I reflected for a few months on what I could do with autonomy – what do I want my life to look like if I could have anything. The scene has never been that clear for me – but at 34, it is now. I want to buy some land and a home of my own. I’m thinking in North Georgia, near a liberal town – Savannah is the first that comes to mind. I also contemplated Tennessee. Florida is totally off the table, MS AR TX LA AL, none of those states. I love Oregon but the west coast just…it doesn’t have storms. WHY!? I want mountains, a view, a river or stream. And buying out there is both beautiful and cheap. I want to live anywhere that meets these requirements AND offers me nights on my porch watching storms pass through. I could do my art, grow my vegetables, and have all of the animals I want. Mm, when I close my eyes and think about this, my world feels at peace.

I don’t have any other things to talk about – ok I have a million things to talk about! But I think I want to just go lay down and center myself….and I have a lot of students emailing me for random things. I should probably calm their fretful minds. I hope you’re well and I hope you’re happy. I still have the doodles you sent me and keep them close. I hope that you know even in your darkest and most lonely times, there is someone far away that loves you and cherishes you for the person that you are.