I don’t think my depression is caused by any one person or any one event, but it does manifest in my expression of it as a single person. That single person. But the reality is, he is just a vessel that I have chosen to use to express what’s inside because it’s easy. You could change Bi-‘s name and put any noun there…and the pain in my words would still be relevant. He was just the most recent catastrophe in my life, therefore, it’s easy to invoke the name to label all of the hurt, pain, and despair that is trapped inside of me.

I have no motivation to write, to paint, to dance…I just want to isolate myself away from the world. I’m overwhelmed with anger at everyone who tries to control me. I am overwhelmed with anger at the liars, those who I trusted, but broke that trust. Sometimes, I don’t even know what is real anymore. I simply cannot trust anyone. I can’t trust anything. No more getting hurt – I am ready to work on shutting down. I know when I do, everyone will leave, and I can finally be gone. Non-existant to the world. A nameless memory.

I can say that I gave it a good go. I was a good person. I put others before myself. I loved with all of the capacity of my heart. I treated others as I would want to be treated. I sacrificed for the happiness of others. I was always there when people had no one else. But the honest-to-god truth is that…it doesn’t matter. Being a good person doesn’t equal good things in return. In my case, it’s just loss, broken trust, being used, being manipulated, being hurt.

I blame myself for it all. I blame myself for this unhappy life. If I had only thought about myself and put myself first, maybe I wouldn’t have turned into a martyr for a cruel world. I want nothing more than a cottage in the woods and for every single person in the world to leave me alone. Never think about me, never bother me, never come into my safe circle ever again. I never want anyone in my safe circle. I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want to be loved. I don’t want to be needed. I flinch at the idea of anyone penetrating my space.

I am building the biggest, toughest wall I can possibly build. No one will be able to enter, ever again.