I woke up today with sunshine in my soul. I loved my own warmth, my strawberry blonde hair, my rustic orange sweater.

But how quickly that sunshine disappeared when I went to pick up this stupid dining table.

I thought about how great it would be to fit 8 people around the table for D&D…oh D&D. Bi- plays D&D. Oh right. Bi- ripped out my fucking heart. Oh right, I’m grieving, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m frustrated, I feel so inadequate and trapped and used and…powerless.

Then I started having trouble breathing. I knew it was a panic attack. I stopped my car, hunkered down, and the panic took over me. I clutched my chest, I screamed out my pain, I cried. And cried. And cried. I’m still crying. Oh please make this stop. Please make this go away. Please…help me. I don’t want to live like this.

I don’t want to live like this.