I had another bad night, full of tears and self-defeating thoughts. I just missed you and I still haven’t been able to reconcile that you don’t miss me. One good thing came out of last night though…it was made clear to me that you probably never really cared about me and were already looking for a way out long before your birthday weekend. I had never thought of it from that angle – I mean, it hurts to think of it as truth because I gave you a really special place in my heart that no one gets access to, and I trusted you with it. And look at the dichotomy between us – you have moved on, happily, without a single thought of how I am, where I am. But I am still stuck, still caring, still loving you, still hoping, still waiting. Sigh, but….why? Why am I so stupid?

In the end, you made it seem as though I was the one at fault, but that was also another lie. I relive the grief over and over when I think about how much I trusted you, and what you have done to me…without a single glance back. I won’t ever understand how you could do this to another human being. It is a level of cruelty that I could have never guessed existed inside of you. 5 months later, I’m still angry, but I still love you. A friend told me last night that I need to work on coming to terms that I may never see or speak to you again. Ever. I just clutched my heart and gritted my teeth and shut my eyes. I don’t want to come to terms with that. I don’t want that to be reality. This can’t be happening. But…it is. 5 months later and I am still dealing with the damage you made, I am still so very heartbroken.

You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your own pain. Now I find myself crying in the middle of the night doing the same thing.