My first thought was to write that today was a bad day, because I am feeling bad right now and need someone to cry on. But, the day was decent. I have a new friend that joined the D&D group. Being the host, as I typically do, I go out of my way to make newcomers feel warm and welcome, that way they feel warm and confident enough to open up to the group and make friends. Because of this approach, we have all become very close and loyal as a friends group. I kept the positive affirmations at a high while the newcomer (I call him Monkey), became comfortable with the group. On our one-on-one time, I’ve really gotten to know Monkey. At first it was the posture, then it was the hair, then it was the eyes, then it was the car, then it was the backpack, then it was the career, then it was the bookcase, then it was the shoes, then it was the Dr. Who references and Marvel fandom, then it was the subtle movements and noises…then I realized, he was kind of a taller version of Bi-. In almost all aspects except the penchant for drawing. The narrow eyes when I make a stupid joke, etc…I don’t know what to think. My stomach flips and adrenaline rushes and I feel sick. Then at times, I can’t breathe. And then I found myself in the bathroom crying again in a panic attack. All the anger swelled back to the surface. All the days I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, didn’t even get out of bed. All the days I screamed out my sobs into the phone receiver with my best friend. It flooded back tonight. I realized it’s been exactly five months now since that moment in front of the elevator when my life changed and someone I trusted abandoned me. Five months. Feels like it was yesterday. I thought this pain was suppose to fade with time, but it’s not. Maybe I’ll need years. I’m a stupid girl for giving my love away so carelessly…

In the same tree of my branches of grief, there’s also weirdly some hope. Monkey is 10 years older than Bi-. Monkey told me about how he had trouble communicating properly, getting words out, becoming frustrated at himself – all the things I remember Bi- said he struggled with. The hope for me lays in knowing that Monkey has expressed a lot of his growth to me and I believe that if that’s true, then Bi- may also have a chance to grow to trust and love others and not push people out. I remind myself that my loss is painful and scares me in that I’m going to have to die and never hear from him again, but my grief is nothing compared to my love and want for him to be happy and successful and grow to be a wonderful person.

As for me, I’ve become more accepting of my lot in life. I have a few more great losses ahead in the not-so-distant future. I can make myself feel warm inside when I see my friends laughing and bonding. It’s beautiful and makes me want to cry. They were all new here, none of them have girlfriends or wives or many (if any) friends. I live for them. When they bombard me with food requests and I mom them all and keep them in line. I cook big breakfasts and dinners and they’re always over to eat what I prepare. We’re like a big family, sitting around and picking on each other while they all enjoy my menu. Between them, and seeing/ hearing all of the good things happening to my best friend Geo-, it helps me accept that I give 1000% to others and…I don’t even care about myself, or this grief. I could curl up with my dog with a smile on my face, these images in my head, and never wake up again. And I’d be ok with that.