Loving a person who doesn’t love you back is hard – it’s a full time job. There’s a scenario in your head where you’ve designed a life with them yet it will never be realized. What’s the next best thing? Do you try to re-write those plans and place someone else in them? Maybe you can, but I can’t. I’m trying. I’m failing. Some people leave voids that simply cannot be filled – ever. Like when my mother died, who can fill that void? No one. How do I get out of bed in the morning and do what I need to for the day? I can’t honestly say. I guess the doing part is the easiest part. It’s when the doing is done that is the hardest part. Because that is when you have time to sit and think about all of things you’ve spent the entire day refusing to think about. Then that ache comes along in the chest, then maybe a tear is shed, or you find your forehead resting against a foggy and cold pane of glass. The full-time job is that void that is left behind. Constantly staying busy out of fear of being left alone in the quiet with your new reality.

And a new reality it is. One that you’re not happy about, around options that don’t fit you quite as well as your soul mate did. So nothing and no one is ever quite good enough. And oh, I’m sure you can empathize with this: doing something fun and in a moment of laughter, your brain thinks, “if only _____ were here”. Who? Fuck. Fuck… Sadness overtakes you. The guilt of feeling something other than longing and misery. The guilt of a fleeting moment of being happy when you briefly forgot about the one you love and care about. So, you know, you know your place, because at some point in your timeline, your actions led you here. And this is your consequence. Your own personal brand of hell.

On the bad days, there’s always the same songs playing in my earbuds. There’s always me singing passionately the lyrics while sitting in my car, in a parking lot, unable to drive because of the heavy knot stuck in my throat. And I cry and I sing as passionately as I can to let out all of the hurt, anger, sadness, and grief. For a time, I’m a mess, sure, but then for a time, I’m realizing that I’m going to be ok again for a while. And we are…we really are ok for a while. Avoid triggers, focus on those who care about you and are always a phone call away. Focus on your career. Focus on your own mental health and life goals. Just…god….STOP thinking about your loss. Tell yourself that it’s ok. It’s ok to live your life alone. And actually, it’s ok to carry round the pain of that void given to you. It’s now part of your human identity and reminds you that you are able to love someone else unconditionally. And that makes you a good person. And you secretly whisper to that long lost soul mate every night before you sleep, I love you. I hope you are warm, healthy, and on the right path to be your most amazing self.

Say: I don’t require you to love me for me to love you.

And love yourself for being a person who continues to get out of bed in the morning without understanding why you do.