Before I lay down to try and sleep, I wanted to report on my lunch today with Ri-, our Dungeon Master for D&D. Well, what can I say? I learned so much about a new person and a little something new about myself. First, me. I can’t explain what it is, but certain people attract my attention. And the knowledge of their existence bugs me and bugs me until I act on it and try to establish some sort of contact. This has happened here twice so far. Once with Ri- and once with someone who works at a restaurant I frequent. I still don’t know that person’s name, but I so strangely vibe to that person. I was walking down the sidewalk the other day and got that familiar feeling and looked up to see that person passing by me. My heart sank a little in my chest and I turned to watch them walk by. What is it? What is that feeling? Anyway, I still haven’t worked up the courage to engage there yet. I don’t want to look like a crazy person or something…

But anyway, back to Ri-. The pizza was good. The conversation was better. I think we were both…I don’t know. We’re both introverts and for all intents and purposes, strangers. And he’s quiet. I felt like I could read his mind, “What exactly am I doing here? Why did she ask me to lunch?” But he never outwardly asked. He seemed almost awkward and confused to be around a girl. Or maybe I am just projecting and I was the one that was awkward and being strange. Hm. Anyway. It was a beautiful day, weather-wise. I wore a soft grey/green short cotton dress with long sleeves and a mock turtle neck. It had cute bows that tied up at the elbows. And I wore knee-high boots. My red hair was exceptionally stunning against the contrasting colors of the dress…I just realized that the dress is the same color as my eyes. No wonder I like that dress so much. We had to sit beside each other outside because of the angle of the sun. Neither of us wanted to sit across, where the sun would easily burn our retinas. I tucked my hair behind my ear and flashed my pearl earring to the growing hungry crowd sitting around us. The breeze tossed my hair around a bit. It was great.

Ok, enough about me.

Our initial stance was quiet and awkward. Do I even remember how our conversation started? Maybe. It was typical, he mentioned doing something in the 70s and then the late 60s…and I was taken aback. “How old are you?” I asked. He told me. “Uh, what, no, what? You seriously don’t look a day past your mid 30s.” Reality is, he is definitely past that. Then it dawned on me as I stared down intently at my cheese pizza – I’ve never felt ok with being alone with an older man. Not once. And here I was, initiating a lunch with this guy, because when he’s around, I feel a little bit more like my old self. I, of course, said the worst thing I could probably say, “wow…you’re older than my parents.” What. An. Idiot. Why did I even say that?

He laughed it off. I like it when he laughs. I learned the bare surface of his upbringing, him living in Japan for most of his life, his multiple degrees and how he went from Law school to engineering after rebelling from his strict parents. I asked him if being a bio mechanical engineer for medical devices made him feel fulfilled. He told me yes. In turn, I told him about my degrees, not to a great extent, but just a vague review. The conversation turned to energy, and our discussion went from nuclear energy to wind farms to the ITER project in France. He admittedly lost me at the ITER, but I could /sort of/ grasp at the message he was trying to get across. I’ll admit, I sort of just sat there pretending to pay attention. What really had my attention was his excitement when talking about ITER. He was waving his hands and smiling and really getting into it. You could see that he had these images flashing through his mind and he was trying to reimagine those images with his body language. Then he just stop, and laughed. And I think he caught himself, maybe he felt a tad bit embarrassed, I’m not sure. But I smiled back and prodded with a couple of questions.

Then I asked him to not get weirded out by what I was about to say. I looked back down and studied my pizza. “So, I actually asked you to lunch today because…well, I am moving to DC soon as you know, and I don’t know why, but I didn’t want to leave here and not establish a friendship between us. I don’t know why, I just felt it inside that it needed to be. And when we’re all at D&D and I see you get excited when we get into combat, your smiling and laughing feels familiar and it makes me feel a little better inside.” He didn’t say anything, was just listening, so I continued, while fiddling with the lid to my ranch dressing, “Not many people get to know the real me. It’s hard for me to connect to people. I have been suffering from a severe depression that has gotten worse over the last two months because of an incident that happened. I have been questioning a lot in my life, and I often think of suicide. I’m sorry, I know that’s a lot to unload on you, but I just wanted to say thank you for joining me for lunch.”

He smiled and thanked me for saying what I did. He replied that he was happy to join me for lunch and he was glad I asked. Then he told me that he has a lot of trauma and hurt from his past and when he can help and focus on others, it helps him. He told me about why he tutors kids and why he loves being a teacher. And why he volunteers all the time.

We connected on a few other topics that I won’t write about here. But it was good. There’s something different about discussing issues with someone older. When I talk about my issues with my friends who are my age and most are way younger, I don’t ever feel that their mature enough, or grasp the points and feelings I am trying to get across…to really be heard, you know? But Ri- heard me today. I felt heard. And the feedback was exactly what I needed. I told him about how I’m lost. How I’m about to be 33 with nothing to show for my life, no independence, still in college. He confided in me that he was the same way until he hit around 34. He was in a relationship with a woman who was a narcissist, he was depressed, had no heading, was getting his Masters as well. Felt like he had used his life up to that point to constantly help others and so, he never helped himself or even knew himself. That’s exactly me. I felt a little warmth being able to know that this extremely successful guy went through the exact same thing as I am going through now.

And he told me about shields. About how he developed shields to keep people at a little distance away, so that they did not affect his internal well-being. He told me that healthy people have shields – that they have boundaries. I told him that Bi- has taught me about the need for Shields and how I am now building one for myself. He just nodded. His quiet responses when I talk about deep things catches my attention greatly. I know there’s things there that he hasn’t said and I appreciate that he allowed himself to be in the moment with me without making it about himself. I plan on following up on my hunches, and seeing if he would be willing to share. And, oh yeah, there will be a next time. I had mentioned very briefly in the very beginning about not exploring much of the area because I didn’t have a hiking buddy. He texted me after he got home and sent me some links to GIS mapped trails and parks and asked me if I’d be his hiking buddy.

Haha, yes.