I have found it cathartic…to a small extent…to write emails to Bi- (even though yes, I know I am blocked and he won’t receive them). But in my head, that email address is still /his/ and it’s something he made, and so writing to it makes me /feel/ as though I have some connection to him still. If you think this is absolutely stupid, Bella did it in Twilight. Ok, I know you just thought, “…and you just made my point”. I don’t care. It’s helping in some small way and that’s all I have to cling to. I was plagued with nightmares again last night and woke up crying. I cried for a good 30-40 minutes before the emotional flood became numb again. But enough about the dead parts of me.

D&D has become a great escape for me. It’s not exactly an escape, but the guys of the group are so kind and they all reach out to make me feel special. None of them really know what I have been going through, and don’t particularly know of this sadness that is eating away at me, but yet, they’re so attuned. Everyone eats the snacks I make and praise my hostess skills. They write about me in the group chat about how cool I am. I think for the first time in my life, I feel really connected and a sense of belonging in a group. Our group rules by votes, majority wins. I like that, it helps me govern fairly. And I want to talk about our DM. Ok, ok, I am seriously trying not to gush right now like a school girl with a crush, but he is just so cool. Gah, he’s so smart. A biomechanics researcher and high school engineering teacher. Robotics coach. Loves modern art and surfs. When he is standing in front of our group as we’re fighting the undead, he gets so excited and I can see the kid come out in him. He makes pew pew noises and blast noises, and I have never seen him not smiling. You know as an empath, I feed off others, and when I am around him, I genuinely laugh and genuinely smile, because his sneaky little smiles and laughs are super contagious.

He is the kind of person that I don’t want to lose when I move to D.C. I think it’s important to get to know him outside of D&D, so I asked him to a lunch within the next couple of days. (Pizza, it’s been confirmed). I don’t know exactly what to say, like, how do you tell someone, “Look, I feel better inside when you are around to brighten the room. I will be moving to D.C. soon, but I don’t want to lose you as a friend….back track, I want us to be friends and not just DM/Player.” Maybe he will think I am super weird…no, no he won’t. He is a huge nerd. I am just feeling nervous. It’s hard to make friends.

I have been working on getting stuff together for my storefront. Playing some video games. Working on school stuff. It’s been good but exhausting. I am switching over to lyrical dance from ballet. Similar, except lyrical dance encompasses a lot more other types of dance.

Ok, the end for now.