It has occurred to me that general journaling doesn’t seem to work well for me over a long-scale approach. When I write, I typically have a recipient in mind and pointed words that I wish I could say, but for whatever reason, do not have the avenue to say those things. Thus, those words stay inside and eat me slowly. I think from here on out, I will try a new form of organization where my pointed words will be directed in letters to the person and general thoughts will be placed here in the journaling department of this blog.

The truth is, it has been going on three months since Bi- left. There is this really strange issue going on where he has so easily forgotten completely about me, but I cannot do the same. Like, I still feel the exact same way from the first day we met…and I am stuck here. 3 months later. My heart is just irreparably broke. And now I am starting to see certain manifestations of past behaviors coming back – like feeling anxiety when I eat, due to being so poor when I was young and scarfing down any food I could find as quickly as possible. And I am back to checking my pantry items for roach eggs even though I haven’t seen a roach in over 10 years, much less thought about all the times I had to pick out the eggs from my cereal. I am experiencing panic attacks at every single blue Subaru I pass, I can’t get myself to go around any convention or cosplay event. Even if I walk into a store that has Marvel products, my chest starts to restrict. It’s a ridiculously powerful phenomenon and I don’t know how to fix it.

If I could trade anything in this world for a just a day to sit and fix things between us, I would trade it all away. If I could give everything away to go back in time and do something different, I would. I’ve never closed myself off to people before. Ask any one of my friends, or my exes. They say similar things: You are an emotionally open person, sometimes it’s even overwhelming, but you also are loyal and stick by people even if they royally fuck-up.

It’s absolutely true. I don’t give up on ANYONE. Even through all the pain and hurt that I can experience, I don’t shut it out and I don’t shut them out – it is so cruel. And these things can ALWAYS be fixed. The mature thing is to learn and grow to become a better person.

But now all I feel is isolation and I both love it and hate it. There’s a fucking massive wall around me now and I will NEVER EVER let anyone ANYWHERE NEAR ME AGAIN. Now I am the person who flinches at someone else’s touch. I am the person who (for the first time in my life) doesn’t trust people. And that breaks my heart…what a very sad life to have to live, going through and not trusting anyone. It’s painful in so many ways. It’s not who I ever wanted to be.

But thanks to Bi-, I am now this way. Of all the cruelness I have experienced in life, this is the only thing I could define as truly cruel. And the horrible part is that I still love him as a person, and he is still with me in everything that I do. And I am left joyless and in tears in the middle of the night.

I would give anything to erase this. I would give anything to fix this.