Another day of nothing much to say.

I allowed myself a peaceful moment today. I have been so upset over what happened and so stressed over myself feeling that others were pushing me to just “get over it”. I realized today that I am on no one’s timeframe except my own and that I can take as long as I need to heal. I am in no hurry to heal. I am not looking to be involved with anyone, I am not ready to let anyone back in, and I think I want to take my newfound independence and live for myself. At any rate, no one could replace him. The end. I will take forever if I want. And you will all have to live with it.

And I can find some peace in that thought. It’s been three days since I’ve eaten and today I forced myself to eat a bit of rice. You have two choices in this life – you fight on, or you don’t. You succeed or you don’t. I have spent the last couple of weeks in despair and pain, I gave myself all of the ‘look-the-other-way’ moments to see if I could capitalize on that pain and do what needed to be done, do what I use to do. Cut on myself, hurt myself, try to end my life.

It never happened. I got up every morning anyway. I hit the gym every morning. I cried when I felt the need, I sat in silence when I felt the need. I went to my dance studio, I went to the Faire, I even went to see a movie. I went to bed every night. I wrote all of my embarrassing emo feelings on this blog. I cried to my friends on the phone. I cried into my dog’s fur. I am incapable of a self-death. The truth is that I may hate the things that happen in my life, but I truly love others in this world and I want to give others the hope that pours out of the hole in my chest. My stupid brain just keeps pushing on, even when I give up and give over the reigns, it is just fundamentally built on self-preservation. I just fucking have too much love to give to others.

I am looking forward to leaving here. I need my own home and my own space. I hope to grow into a person who pours love out for myself, just as I do for others.