What a dichotomy – the people who come in and out of my life. It seems that the ones I fall for are the ones who leave and the ones I don’t fall for are the ones who stay. Why is it that I fall in love with the people who leave me? I obviously had an extra bad day today, but in some ways, it was a good day. I cried it out on the bathroom floor, snot and all, but I wasn’t alone. I had my best friend on the phone and my dog laying on my lap, letting me wipe all my snot and tears on him. Then R came home and he hugged me hard and told me that people who abandon me because of a bad day are not worth being in my life in the first place. He’s right. When I saw how angry R was on my behalf, I appreciated him even more in that moment. He knew how much I sacrificed and how much I tried to show B that I loved him. He saw me leaving every weekend, he saw the things I bought B when I traveled, he saw the pictures I drew and the things I write. And he told me that I am not worthless even though B made me feel worthless. Between R and my best friends, I know that I can continue to work on my independence and gain the self-worth I lost back. I hope I can. R took me out to get tea ice cream and we sat on a bench and ate while I cried it out another spell on his shoulder. The night was starry and the air was cool. My face felt hot and wet, I definitely ugly cried at some point on that bench. I’m glad I have someone here to tell me that I can get through this.

I told R today that after my dog passes away, I will take a long trip of traveling. I don’t know where I will go, but I will take a few months and travel around to different countries and places. I need to find myself and figure out where I belong in this world. For now, I will travel the US and Canada and focus on inner peace. I still plan on buying a home in Newfoundland and having a yard full of goats, pigs, and dogs. I’ll set up an easel next to a large window and with all of my animals and my closest friends, I’ll never be alone. I will drop off of the face of this planet and live my life in quiet. This is my dream. No more hurt. No more pain.