Today is going to be a bad day.

I was plagued by nightmares all night. Kept waking up in sweats, heart racing, feeling emotional turmoil. I fucking hate this hole in my chest.

And even more, I realized a major fact yesterday…that people can paint themselves up and pretend to be someone they’re not, but the truth will seep out. The truth is that I cannot even be honest in an anonymous blog or on a Facebook post. Everything I write or text or say is scrutinized, deconstructed, and used against me in fits of jealousy and resentment. My Facebook post gets laughed at just so this person can demean me. It’s demeaning. Other words to describe this behavior is humiliating, shaming, and degrading. This behavior is aligned with emotionally abusive relationships where one participant will humiliate the other to feed their own ego.

I know you’re reading this. Humiliating me publicly is a really shitty thing to do, so thanks for that. I’m glad you deleted me off all of your social media, not like I use social media anymore, but thanks anyway for saving me the trouble of having to deal with the abuse. And instead of being supportive and maybe taking yourself away from your own ego and sense of ownership of me (news flash: you don’t own me), you’d realize that (B) meant/means a lot to me. And you can laugh at my sadness and be snide about his leaving me, but it doesn’t make you right. It makes you a jerk. I didn’t laugh or demean you when (M) and you broke up. I don’t feel any sense of jealousy or ownership over you. Friends are suppose to just be supportive. When you have good days, you’re a great friend, but sometimes you have really fucked up days in your head and I feel like I am a sitting duck, waiting for your next move to try and hurt me. Why do you do this? You talk about how we are ‘meant to be together’ and you refuse to listen to all of my reasons why we are NOT meant to be together. It’s not like I don’t appreciate you any less…look at all of the good that you have brought into my world. You’re helping me achieve some of my dreams. That’s huge. But dude, you want to blow up my phone with essay-texts about all of my shortcomings, weaknesses, decision-making skills, and personality flaws, because you know me SO WELL that you need to remind me of how I can’t trust myself to make good decisions and also remind me that you’re the only one around that knows how to deal with me and knows what’s best for me. That is classic abuse signs. Look it up. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t have something nice to say, don’t say it. And if you must say it, don’t fucking do it publicly and humiliate me.

You being mean to me isn’t going to make me feel better and it’s not going to make yourself feel better either. Being mean to me isn’t going to magically cure me or make me change what I feel inside. Laughing at me for basically being dumped isn’t helpful either. I can’t talk to you about any of the hurt inside because you just wait to use it against me. And you don’t even believe that my hurt is justified. Who is (B) to you anyway? He was always just a nobody to you, some guy you hated and said mean things about. All people have shortcomings. And you didn’t know him like I did. And you’re mad because I stood up for him when you say mean things, and then point out that I have a cycle of seeing fake truths about people that aren’t actually good people at all. And what, you are a good person? Who are you to pass that judgement, anyway?

Its sad that I can be more open with (R) about my life than you, who are supposedly my best friend. (R) sits and listens, he makes comments about his own thoughts, like he thinks (B) and I seem way more compatible than he and I. That must take a lot of courage to say out loud, especially to someone you’ve been in a relationship or living with for the last four years. Sometimes I feel like (R) is a better best friend than you are. He also has his shortcomings, but at least he doesn’t make me feel like shit because I’m sad about (B). He just gives me the space and time I need when he sees me crying or depressed. And he tries to do things to make me laugh or distract me from my grief. He’s never threatened to stop helping me, or force me to leave. And he has never once used any of this against me or publicly humiliated me for the benefit of his own ego.

The random texts about my business, by the way. What was that – your way of trying to manipulate me into changing the G to stand for something else? I’m sorry if you don’t like it, and I can’t help what you had convinced yourself in your head, but you have always known what the G stands for, and how after a year did you just now connect the fact that the goat in the logo and G meant the same thing? That was seriously worrisome on my end about your mental state. That whole episode bordered on delusional and paranoia and I don’t think it’s something you should ignore.

Gah, seriously, stop fucking randomly attacking me! Please just…be the you that you use to be. Be the guy that was my best friend. I don’t know what has happened to you, but I feel like I can no longer trust you with my own well-being or my secrets or even just knowledge of my everyday life happenings. I fear that you will immediately use everything and anything against me to hurt me. And me having that fear is creating a very large wedge between us. Having fear of you is a result of abuse. Abuse, (G). Abuse. Please get help. I don’t want to lose you as my best friend and we’ve already promised each other that we’d grow old together. You know two things about me that’s true. When I say, “I love you”, I mean it forever, and when I make a promise, I don’t break it.