I love seeing happy people. It’s the only time I really smile anymore. I sit at the coffee shop and people watch while I’m spaced out in thought. What I should be doing is my school work, but just look at these people. I love to watch my ballet instructor especially – he is a short, round, and obese Filipino man. But the way he moves when he dances Russian ballet takes me to another dimension. He can’t help but be jolly. He laughs about his protruding stomach and laughs at his own awful jokes. And I smile and laugh with him. And when he scolds you for not keeping your box or not pointing your toes when you lift your foot off the ground…he can’t take himself seriously and neither can I. I love the atmosphere when I am in class. Russian ballet is harsh and painful. It’s meticulous and requires perfection. By the end, my feet and ankles hurt. By the next morning, my entire body aches. But I like it. It makes me get out of bed in the morning to stretch out the ache. It keeps my head preoccupied during the day. I keep out wandering thoughts by thinking about technique. I would be lying if I said I haven’t been dancing around the house doing battement fondue and frappé. I am much better at ballet than I am hip hop.

I think I said all I really needed to say. The days come and go quickly. I barely remember them anymore. I am trying to stay focused on my future. I’m actively job searching across the U.S., my car will be in my name soon, and I will be that much closer to having the independence I’ve needed my entire life to be a more confident woman.

It may sound silly, but I’ve found that pursuing my goals has become way more important to me when I’ve convinced myself that I will be making a future and a home not for just me, but for someone else too. And if you asked the reality version of me, I know that he’s gone. But the me right now is in some sort of mindset that I need to take this time and work hard and prove my loyalty and my love and that he’ll come back. When I do succeed, maybe I will look back and realized that I tricked myself but that it’s ok because I’ll be exactly where I need to be, I would have survived, and I would be happier for all of my accomplishments. And then I’d realize that I never needed external validation from anyone else…except myself. And that day, I will learn to love myself and learn that I can be ok alone.

Its getting cold here. Today was 50 degrees and breezy. I loved it. I sat in the cold wind, bundled up, and focused on school work. My fingers felt numb and cold as my pen wrote across the page of my notebook. I noticed that my handwriting appears different when I am cold vs when I am warm. I even got the cold nose sniffles and it was great. At one point, I closed my eyes and pictured it being evening, and I was sitting close to a backyard bonfire. Crunchy colorful leaves were all around and I could hear the crackling of the wood. I hope my next home has a backyard for a fire pit. I’d love to sit by it at night and read a book with my old dog.

Oof! I almost forgot the most important thing. I bought a a hummingbird feeder. Yesterday, while studying, a hummingbird flew to me and hovered in front of my face. It was so close that the exhalation of my breath could touch it. The bird stayed in that spot for over a minute, as if it was memorizing my face. A part of me instinctively thought, “mom…is that you?” I know that’s weird, but it was such a surreal experience. Then it touched the top of my head before it flew off. That minute felt like an hour. I had this sense that I had made a friend and this was a friend that I had spent months confiding to and knew so well. So, I bought a hummingbird feeder for my back porch. I hope it comes back to visit me and my plants.