Today wasn’t a…bad day. I’ll be honest with you – I watched Breaking Dawn late last night because I couldn’t sleep. There’s a part of that movie that resonates well with what I am feeling. Remember when Edward cold ditched Bella and was gone for pretty much the entire movie? She suffers deep depression, isolates herself, etc. And then how she decides to distract herself with the motorcycle and Jacob? Well, I did that today. I kept myself busy. I knocked out a ton of school work and a company reached out to me via my new MeetUP group wanting to collaborate on a few ideas such as a board game MeetUP day and free workshops. So as I was setting this up, the owner of the MeetUP group that is second highest to mine (I am now the highest in terms of our niche), reached out to me today and he also wants to collaborate. So we spent the afternoon forming a monthly Asian horror film ing + pot luck and a monthly karaoke night. Then, my best friend reached out and showed me new product that had just arrived for my business. My pin designs are wonderful and are being well-reviewed. I am ready to produce something new and finish up the packaging.

It was hot today. I pandered around the house in a sports bra and shorts because it was so hot. As I walked by a mirror, I caught a glance at myself and realized that I looked like I had lost weight. Sure enough, I had. I sort of liked what I saw in the mirror and that worried me slightly. I have been in the gym everyday, but I have barely been eating. Some days I don’t eat at all. Yesterday I ate a single slice of pizza. Today I had less than a cup of chicken breast and some tomatoes. The thought of food just makes me feel sick. Somehow I am associating food with…that person…or maybe this aversion is me subconsciously punishing myself for some reason. I do feel guilt if I try to eat and then I just want to vomit. Oh, I did force myself to eat some bland rice this evening. I think I’ll have it tomorrow as well.

I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring. The idea of tomorrow scares me. I’ll just think about now instead, and the fact that I will go to the gym tomorrow morning. One foot in front of the other, you know?

Oh, maybe I have forgotten to mention a couple of things. I sort of made a friend. Met him in the library. I was sitting at a four person table while the library was extremely busy. I offered the guy to join me as he couldn’t find a spot. He appreciated the gesture and sat down. We didn’t get much work done, he talked a lot about a dating app that he is creating and he asked me a lot about my future career plans (which I only had a stumbling answer to). Pretty smart guy, gave me a lot advice on how to start working on my career dreams and offered to invite me to some networking opportunities in the future.

What was the second thing? I don’t remember it I guess. I have an appt with a psychologist Thursday morning and ballet Thursday evening. I just need to get through Wednesday – ballet is quickly taking a priority in my life since I don’t really have anyone or anything else to fill this new void. It hurts but it’s a good hurt. It masks all the bad emotional hurt that I feel inside.

And just like that, I remember the second thing. Someone reached out to me about my life story. He wants to ghost write a memoir about my life. We have been talking for a few days and I’ll admit, the guy is bright and professional. I appreciate that he keeps my safety a priority and that he is really interested in the things I have to say even when it’s hard for me to say anything. My first task is to answer two questions: who am I and what I want the first sentence of my book to say. The first sentence is suppose to be the most powerful part of the book. I have no clue what I want it to say. I told him that tbh, I am going through a really hard time with losing one of the closest people in my life, someone that allowed myself to be vulnerable around. and it’s hard for me to concentrate on myself because my heart is just broken into a thousand pieces. But I’ll try.

Yeah, so, I think that’s it. I hope that I can sleep tonight. Sleep would be welcome. I’ve come up with a game in my head to stop intrusive thoughts. When I start thinking about him, I recite my times tables as punishment and go as far as I can before I fall asleep somewhere in the math. It works.