I decided to post this one earlier than normal. I have a lot on my mind. Of course when I start writing, it all disappears.

I spent my day at the local library working on school stuff. In a weird way, I enjoyed it. I was surrounded by people my age who were all working on school work. I was hoping to make a friend or two, but no one ever came up and talked to me. I don’t know what exactly I was expecting. I have ballet tomorrow and I have been looking into taking acting classes (but it’s a little pricey). I also reached out to a Buddhist temple to see if they accept newcomers…I’m sure they do, but the community seems tight knit and I would also be the ONLY caucasian in attendance from their photos online. The lineage is different than my previous lineage. Before it was Vajrayana, now it’s Theravada, which is more strict. Needless to say, a little nervous and I wish I had an ‘in’ – someone to coach me through the proper etiquette of the temple. I really just want a friend here. I feel so lonely by myself. There’s an app called Bumble BFF and I downloaded it. All of the girls on the app….oh man, they were ALL the same. It blew my mind. Every photo was a skinny girl with a club dress on, photoshopped, and they ALL wanted girlfriends to gym with, drink wine with, party with, gossip with. I went through at least 300 girls and deleted the app off my phone. Good grief, is that what dating is like for men these days? How depressing. How can a person be so far detached from reality that they’re not even real anymore?

I still haven’t heard from he-who-should-not-be-named; I put all my eggs in that basket and got the shit end of the stick. I accept it. For now until the grief cycle starts over again. Single on all accounts and forgotten about. Yay. But, I now that I am through the first phases of the grief cycle, I am trying to think more clearly about the situation. I love him, that won’t change, and that is something that can’t be taken away from me. I have a lot of great memories and his doodles all around me and that won’t change and it can’t be taken away from me. I have the time and support now to put into building myself up to be more independent and stronger of a person. I can be whoever I want. I want to get my business up, I want to get my certs, I want to finish my Masters, I want to remember my values as a Buddhist in understanding that life is full of suffering and I am insignificant. What can I do to release attachments and find inner peace? How can I use my life to positively benefit others? I know that I still have a lot of self-reflection to do on my own accounts, but I am forgiving myself for blaming myself for someone’s else’s negative behaviors.

In positive news, I did make two new friends although they’re a bit out of my age range as you can tell haha. We now have a secret note exchange going on between each other. I draw them pictures and bought them a box of markers so they can color the pics I draw and they leave me little notes like this on my door. When I come home I get to see them 🙂