Is there a statute of limitations on “time and space” and “wait until I text you”? Is that like a cop-out code word for “you’ll never ever hear from me again, I’m just scared to tell you that to your face?” Meanwhile, I just wait forever.

I went kayaking today. It was windy and the city had the lagoon flow turned high, so needless to say, I had a good work out. The water was ice cold and the spray that happened when the waves met the front of my kayak felt good when it hit my body. The sun was bright and the temp was perfect. I felt wrapped up in the sun’s warmth, like a giant hug. Heading down current, I could have easily been rocked to sleep. Heading upcurrent, well, I almost felt like I was fighting for my life. If I stopped paddling, I would immediately lose momentum and start drifting backwards. I spent a solid 30 minutes in a full, core-engaging, stroke pattern against the brutal wind to get back to my launch point. At one point, I thought about a physics problem that I had years ago in college. I decided to try and paddle myself at an angle to the wind, creating a zig-zag pattern with my path. The amount of effort needed diminished thankfully. It worked.

I have lived here for almost two months and it has not rained once. It’s suppose to drizzle overnight for the first time. I wish I could keep myself awake so that I can witness it, but I am exhausted. Plus, it’s back to the gym tomorrow.

I’ve been thinking about and dreading what I will do for New Years Eve. I’ll be spending it alone, but in my head, there’s really only one place I’d want to be.

Today (and yesterday) was a heavily statistic-focused day for me. Statistics are draining. Daniel Kahneman, the seventh most influential economist in the world, wrote an annoying book, full of annoying condescending notions of errors that human makes. He makes it seem that humans are lesser humans because we are prone to errors. In all but one instance, he demeans experts of all fields and demeans people who make error-filled decisions. In fact, he himself is an expert and he seems to be immune to his derogatory break downs in all but a single instance, to which he states that he saw his flaw, but didn’t care. He was right anyway. This guy’s insufferable, but he sometimes makes good points when it comes to our decision-making and our processes of thought in the face of statistics and data.

I stained the platform and stairs built for the dog. When I was finished, I took a nap. When I woke up, I took a shower. I looked down and my feet and legs were spattered and smeared with chocolate wood stain. I sat in the shower with my legs splayed in front of me and I just stared at my feet and imagined what I saw was a result of me slipping bare-foot  in melted chocolate. I’d fall into a puddle of melted chocolate and that explains the splattering on my legs. And then I realized the heat of the water, and the ache in my back. I closed my eyes and just listened to my own breath. I felt so old for a brief moment. It was a sad feeling.

I also started to reflect on something my best friend told me, about learning to love someone unconditionally. How it hurts when you love someone and give them your all, but what you want/need in return is not reciprocated. I’m still formulating thought on this, but it’s important for my own mental well-being that I give a string of conscious reflection on how I can better love others unconditionally, even from a distance. I thought I could, and one point I definitely could, but somewhere, I lost track of that inner peace I had inside of me and the understanding of just…loving someone forever regardless of how they treat me in return. I think the loss happened somewhere in my thoughts of how I expect my life to be like ‘x’ but really it’s more reflecting ‘y’. I want my life to look like ‘x’ and not ‘y’, and I am fearful of losing my ‘x’ dream and being stuck in ‘y’ because of distance, my age, etc. Panic sets in because I feel like everyday that passes is a day that I am losing and that I don’t have many days left. I don’t want months or years to go by and I am just waiting for life plan “x” to come to fruition. I know what I want, I know who I want, I know what I want my future (x) to look like. But I’m just stuck in “y”, and I’m feeling hopeless. Maybe the answer is that I should just let go of what I want in life, and be thankful for what I am given and what experiences I get to have with the people that I love, however fleeting that may be. The heart will always yearn for more and I struggle with how to be ok with that. Me not being able to fulfill showing someone my love for them makes me depressed and feel useless and…not needed.

Oh that’s right. I have a picture to share.