I am so tired. I just got back from dance and eating dinner. Today I pretended that my life wasn’t sort of falling apart and got some things done. I made a plan.

1. Finish the house (almost done)

2. School work/E3 work/ballet basics (in progress)

3. Finish up E3 contract work so I can move

4. GIS cert so I can get good paying job

5. Look for job

6. Get job somewhere/ move into my own place

7. Continue dance, continue Masters

8. ?

Seems a little primitive but at least I have a time frame/ goals.

I go in Tuesday to see/schedule my surgery on my ear. I went 100% deaf in it during Dragoncon weekend; what did I do I have no idea. Doctor said it looks pretty bad in there. The hole in my ear drum is almost at 90% in size. They said only a 50% chance I’ll regain my hearing, but if not, at least I qualify for a hearing aid.

[SO/Ex/Roomate]’s parents are coming down for his mother’s birthday…for 10 days…we’re going to take them to Carmel-by-the-Sea. No time like the present to tell his parents the truth, yet [SOEXRM] thinks it’s shitty to do on his mother’s birthday. Yeah. So, I have nothing to report on that…SOXRM senses that I’m struggling emotionally and he’s being nice in a still self-conceded but genuinely honest way.

I woke up this morning and got into some manual labor to keep my mind and my hands busy. Now I am just staring at the ceiling thinking about doodling pictures that I find. Ever since I was a little girl, I like to look at popcorn ceilings and see what sort of images stand out, and then I draw them. The way light cast shadows on the little pieces throughout the day brings all kinds of interesting things up there. Tomorrow, I’m torn between renting a paddle boat and spending some time in the lagoon or going to the Renaissance Faire. Ok, well, the RF will be here until October and I am working on getting a group of people together so I don’t have to go alone. I found a MeetUP group online of nerds who like to do nerdy things so I sent out a message to see if anyone would like to go with me. Speaking of which, there’s a board game group that meets on Fridays but I have dance on fridays for now. I’ve been trying to find a DND group, I know there’s a few within the EA community but getting connections is hard. I eat lunch there and keep an eye out hoping I find someone who’s body language screams out “I AM A DND PLAYER”. But everyone looks like a DND player, so it’s not helpful.

Im trying to keep things superficially light. I know talking about someone’s boring day is boring, but I am scared to confront what is really inside. My heart is breaking and yeah, I’m sad. I feel like I hate everything sometimes. I wish life made sense, and I wish people made sense. I kept all these little doodles and reminders hanging out in places that I frequent such as my night stand, inside my agenda book, taped to my calendar, and even tucked away between my phone and the case and these things use to make me happy and calm. Now they just bring up a horrible memory and I’m torn between getting rid of them and leaving them where they are. So for now, I just do nothing and leave them where they are. These little scraps of papers and doodles are very important to me because it’s all I have. But they all just make my heart hurt. But I also know all the love and care that went into each line and I can’t help but cherish that. What a hopeless, stupid, romantic I am.