Day 1: I decided to start a small journal entry series because I need someone to talk to about my day, about anything, so I don’t feel so alone with myself. So, I will share with all of you. Today, my dog went missing. I woke up around 545 this morning and bolted out of bed, out of breath, knowing something was wrong. Why did I have that thought? It was the absence of sound that my mini-me makes. Sure enough, the screen door was pried open, and he was gone. After the initial fear and panic wave, and me running outside in my panties and a flannel shirt, I saw him. I ran to him and grabbed him up into my arms and felt like screaming at him and felt like crying at the same time. What came out was just pure relief and love. I held him tight and brought him home and kissed him all over his face. But, he hasn’t been the same. After the gym this morning, I decided to take him on a long walk. He barely made it half way before he gave out. He seems confused. I brought him home in his wagon and let him on the back porch. He immediately escaped from under the fence and fled into the tall grass near the river. And then he just looked lost. His face said, “How did I get here?” I picked him up and brought him back inside and he repeated it. Over and over again. So, I went to Home Depot and bought wood boards to place up so that he won’t hurt himself. Now he sits at the boards. I went to the pharmacy to refill his steroid medication. And now I wait.

It’s my third day at the gym and my third day of intermittent fasting. I wake up at 8, take care of Pow, and head to the gym. I do my stretches for ballet, two miles for cardio, a circuit on free weights, floor exercises for abs, and more stretching. Two and a half hours later it’s noon, and I can break my fast and eat lunch. Then I head home. One of two things happens – I work on school work or I play Chrono Trigger. I eat dinner. Rinse. Repeat. Everyday I stare out of my window and watch the dragon boat racers practice in the lagoon. Everyday I stare out of my window and watch the sun set over the water. I take walks outside and say hi to people, but only one person has ever said hi back.

My Ex-SO and I are in discussion over our lunches about when to tell his parents that our relationship has been over for some time. Yesterday he told me that he is tired of living a lie and tired of hiding it from his parents. It’s not bad having a best friend as a room mate, but I know that he is ready to find someone that fits him better than I ever could. I just sort of sit here in the way, unable to provide for myself, and no where to go. No place to call my own home. I have two years to go for school, and a GIS certification that I need to make time for. I’m feeling overall…powerless, hurt, and disappointed in myself for numerous reasons. I picked up my paintbrush to see if I could somehow paint out all these senses of loss inside of me, but once again, I couldn’t. I went back to bed to play another chapter in CT.

I know that things will get better. I am just trying to figure out where I belong and where I go from here.