I often think that when people see me, they receive a snap shot of a single point in time and somehow, their perception of me fits within the constructs of four edges. I usually have my face pointed towards the sun, shoe-less with dirty feet, my brassy blonde hair wild about me, picking up UV rays, and it makes me give off this warm vibe that people love. And I love smiling at people because I love all living things and even strangers should feel they exist. I wish what I exuded from the outside came from within, and it does in the truest sense, but deep DEEP down, I have a whole lot of anger that I find hard to let go of.

I struggle with emotions and I struggle with relationships. I hate that people try to hold me to a standard of perfection when I am only just as human as the next person. I was never loved growing up. No one paid attention to me. I grew up alone, in despair, and in a lot of pain from the severe abuse of my stepdad and lack of a mother, or parents in general. I know what it feels like to be abandoned and I know what it feels like to be treated as something less than human. I know the aches of hunger and I know the company of lice and roaches. This is what has defined me as an adult, to be someone who looks past what’s on the outside and to understand and feel other’s pain. When I identify it, I instinctively become a mother. I may be the harshest, most emotionless mother, but I am loyal, brutally honest, and protective. I guess that is my love language – all action. No words or expression of feelings.

Earlier this year, I had to sit down and reevaluate my life. What am I doing, I asked myself.  I am 32 and what did I have to show for myself? I gave up my life to be in service to others and I did it recklessly. I have no savings, no retirement, no way to support myself, not even a plan b to provide myself the basic necessities of life. Then I realized, I’ve never really been single for an extended period of time, dealing with guys who all had some type of baggage that I wanted to fix, or some unique disposition that I coveted. And who was I? I’ve always been happy to be whoever my boyfriends needed to me to be. But with no independence and no sense-of-self, who was Nessa, and what defined that person? I realized that Nessa was just a woman who had survived child abuse, living 15 years with a pedophile and child rapist. Nessa was a woman who had to kill off her mother not even a month after her mother was rescued from human trafficking. Nessa was a woman who had nothing else defining her as a human being except her trauma and let’s be honest, being a burden to others. I guess I’ve been complacent in the decisions I’ve made to get to where I am today. I felt that if I was just a walking meat bag with no defining qualities, maybe that means I’m not quite human after all…and I could just be what everyone else wanted me to be and I could freely give my empathy and love to everyone who needed it. I never gave it to myself…somehow, I forgot to. And instead of jumping into relationships over and over, I decided to break the cycle for the first time in my life. I decided that I needed to learn to love myself and gain control over my own life so that I could fall in love for all the right reasons. I make this decision and I am punished for it by ones I admire, love, and look up to. When people make life-changing steps, true friends will be there. This I’ve learned. And I guess when you think someone will be there, and they’re not, it makes you question a thousand other things…mostly about yourself and if there is something wrong with you on a fundamental level.  You move things around inside and make space for others and then when they leave, that space is still there. What do you do with that space? I don’t know. I wish I knew. But seriously, what am I doing? This fucking life thing is hard, and I hate that it’s hard for others because I just want to fix everyone’s issues and give people a reason to love themselves. The reasons are there, I just noticed that people need help seeing them. Just like I need help seeing the reasons why I am worthy of my own love.

I’m angry, ok? I’m angry at myself for letting myself down and I’m angry that I love people so freely and open up myself to abandonment time and again.

But I’m trying. I signed up for ballet because I’ve always wanted to learn. I am applying for jobs in my field because I’m tired of thinking I’m only good enough for desk/retail jobs. I am getting certifications and working out and trying to focus more on my art. I want to feel empowered and in control of my destiny. I want to buy my own home…and you know, fall in love for all of the right reasons. I set up attainable goals and made a plan to attain those goals. It’s a decent way to stay motivated and keep the head busy so I don’t fret over how powerless, lonely, and defeated I currently am.