I normally use my blog to express myself in poetry and abstract ways, but…I guess today will be an actual journal entry. I am trying to distract my mind from turning to food, I am stressed, and, well…I am a stress eater. Food is the first thing I think about, it’s the first thing I want to turn to. It is probably the last thing I think about before I sleep. I hate myself. Food. I love myself. Food. I want to be alone. Food. I want to be social. Food. I want to punish myself for eating too much. Food. I don’t want to eat at all…Food. Im bored. Food. I am SO busy. Food. I am crying. Food. At work. Food. At home. Food. Watching a movie. Food. I remember sitting in group therapy with girls who had food-related disorders and I would internally roll my eyes. What a lame non-problem to have. Guess I was wrong, it is very powerful and it takes over your entire life. I feel guilt for eating too much, I feel gluttony in response to not eating enough. I feel dissatisfied with eating /just enough/.

I think that my failures and successes in life have manifested in my relationship with food. Truth be told, my life is a bit of a wreck and it is my own fault. I am no pushover, but I am non-confrontational to a fault. Because I didn’t stand up for what I wanted and what I thought I deserved, because I pushed those things away to try and make others happy, I am here now. My relationship with my SO is falling apart. It was great for three years, but those were three years of me putting up with a lot of crap, trying to be someone I wasn’t. And now here I am, in love still with this man, but tired of the dynamics and a fear of my future. I don’t want to be a housewife, I am tired of taking care of others, I am tired of knowing that I will be cleaning the entire house while he sits around watching sports. I am tired of not being good enough for his parents and having to constantly fake who I am around his family because I need to be this certain way and he doesn’t stick up for me and tell them of the person I am, the person he fell in love with. The first year and since, I wasn’t allowed to be depressed, or have bad days. I always felt like I have been walking on egg shells because I feared of his threats to leave me should I decide to give up. Can’t I just give up for a day or two – and can’t he just be there for me and take care of me and shower me with kisses, instead of threatening to leave me? And I have an eating problem, and a weight problem because of his mother. I just tried super hard to make her like me because I loved her son, but that meant so many superficial things I had to fake because of his pleas to “try” for his own sanity’s sake…so I did. And being true to myself, it broke my heart when finally he said that if you take away all the superficial things, he is an empty shell (And i agreed). I don’t want to be an empty shell. I am a full shell, but I feel empty around him and his parents, because they make me feel like I am an empty, name brand, decorated shell to them. Not him when we are alone, but THEM. I hate to think that our relationship now would be so much different had they not been so demanding and controlling and present in our relationship. When they aren’t present in some form, we do really good. We laugh and play video games and cook and play with our dog and we lounge around in pajamas and do our own things with crazy unkempt hair, unshaven, who cares. But outside of our front door of our cozy little beach home…it is a completely different story.

And truly it’s not just that, it is his lack of understanding when it comes to how to be intimate in the correct ways. Never was there a sweet embrace “just because” or a finger trailing the edges of my curves because he admired it so. Never was there any initiation, or romance. And then I started feeling more like a mom, and less like a woman in love with a man. Cleaning up after him, making rules for him, nagging for him to do this or do that because he is completely reckless and I don’t (I can’t) live my life in a reckless manner. I was ok with it at first because I felt and thought “Hey, I am needed!”. But now I am just tired, I don’t want to be needed for these things to a grown man. I lived a very hard and cold life, and now I really just finally want someone that I can rely on and that can take care of me because I am very weary from all these years of survival and abuse.

I am angry and bitter for many reasons. I don’t know what or where I am suppose to go or do. I am so lost and I am so sad. My heart is completely broke and I am trying to keep myself positive and alert and focused and moving forward….but I am so broken, inside and out.