Hi mom,

Happy birthday to you. I wonder what your particles of matter did today…landed among a coral reef, took a trip in the belly of an octopus, being used for a safe burrow for a little crab. Whatever you did today, I know it was fantastic. In your travels, have you discovered any new species that mankind does mnot yet know about? How about long lost ships or planes? Have you made any friends? I bet you have. Animals and other people whose particles of matter have spread their reach far and wide in the deep blue unknown.

I am walking on a line, I am not good or bad, I’m not failing or succeeding, I’m not really anything or anyone. I am also like you, just particles of matter; no purpose or reason, or any particular place to belong. I wake up, put on a face that is appropriate for the day or person I will meet, and I go on autopilot. I get through my day convincing people I am a good person with a range of thoughts, feelings, and opinions; I succeed greatly at this. You’d be proud, mom.

I sat here reflecting, and if you could paint sadness into a ‘thing’, my body would only consist of that ‘thing’ and nothing else. Without the sadness to fill me up, I’d only be hollow. I’d effectively be a dead tree. I guess that appropriate seeing how much I love trees, haha.

But truth be told, I don’t know what I’m doing these days – looking for some kind of way out, an escape, an option to leave for good I guess. Every single ounce of my being wants to go. I don’t want to be here anymore. I literally cry and scream out begging for it when I am finding myself in a moment alone.  But I have really obnoxious friends that just won’t let go. And it’s not just that, there’s someone else in here with me that I just can’t convince it’s time to go. I really hate her, she ruins all of my plans. Refuses to let go. Some sort of dependency issues on the world she has.

I have a plan to circumvent her, I’ve been thinking of ways to trip her up and catch her off her guard. I realized that quick actions won’t work (she kicks in and takes over), but…see, I have more control in gradual actions, things that take time. But anyway, enough of that sadness crap. I wish I could tell you I was well. I wish I could tell you that I don’t miss you and I’m fine without you….but, you know that stuff just isn’t true. You are the only person in the entire world that understands me.

Nessie